First off, my apologies to Feifu for ranting that day.

Second off, it's bloody annoying to shop with someone who's literally half a step behind you and looking over your shoulder all the time and demanding to look at what you're looking at and giving you unwanted advice and even more unwanted comments.

And she was a grandmother with her two young granddaughters. They stuck to us like glue while we were in the mall, giving off that pa-awa effect, like, oh sure you go ahead with your shopping and we'll wait for you outside the mall the whole time.

Oh Jesus bloody Christ! Grow up and go your own way! I don't control where you go! But of course, I couldn't bloody well go and say it like that. So all smiles and grins, and a lot of trying to loose them in the mall.

hehehe I know. Evil ain't it?

Got a new anklet ^__^ me happy. Of course it's silver and I'm wearing it right now. Just for the heck of it.

Oh, yeah, it's New Year's!

YAY!

And I'm still sick with the sniffles. No fever, and NO IT'S NOT SARS!!

Sore throat.

Argh. Hurts to cough but I have to cough.

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

WHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

And I am in a shitty mood this evening, ladies and gentlemen. Quite shitty mood.

Which usually means mucked up results.

hehehe

How painful is it to cut oneself?

I just have to remember that... heck, what do I need to remember? Oh yeah, that I'm invisible unless I am called upon so anything that is said about me in my "presence" is not heard.

Right be invisible and hear nothing.

Be nothing, hear nothing, say nothing, feel nothing.

Except that I am starting to get very, very, very irritated.

Puñemas, ibinibida na naman ako kung kani-kanino... puñeta talaga!

Argh! If I could only bloody well curse out loud in this house...!

Breathing is essential to life. I know.

Breathing is important, and damn but I have to breathe.

One important thing rap music can do for me is that it covers up any conversation going on in my presence about me and about my family that really shouldn't be discussed with outsiders.

Goddamnit but I'm starting to get angry!

Right, breathing... inhale, exhale, breathe.

I have got to use my earphones a lot oftener. But then, it'll prevent me from listening to my favorite television shows.

People are bad.

Are friends supposed to dictate to you what you have to do in your own life? Do they have a "say" in all your decisions?

Somebody kill me now.

But dang, two years... yeah, remember the two years... Two years or more is a lot better than nine years or more, that's for damn sure.

Tapos sa akin din ikukwento kung ano yung pinag-usapan nila. Pakialam ko ba sa buhay nya? Hindi naman importante sa akin yun. Di naman umiikot dun buhay ko, puñeta!

I have GOT to breathe...

Cutting myself to see myself bleed. I've thought of that. I am thinking of that. I am considering that.

It's going to hurt. Dang.

It's more convenient to talk about myself in this instance rather than rant about what I want to rant about becaue it's easier to get out what I am currently feeling rather than write ARGH every other word.

That's how infuriated I am right now.

I can't get the words out.

I can't breathe. My chest is constricting.

I need to breathe.

I want to hit my head on the cement wall. Tried it before, dazed me a bit.

Blood is beautiful.

Tapos yung mga kwento about me is always taken out of context. Walang magagawa, ibinibida ako e, e di dapat laging in good light pati sya.

Puñeta lang talaga.

Lahat na lang ng ginawa ko at sinabi ko, naka-broadcast sa lahat ng mga kaibigan nya.

Puñeta lang talaga.


This is the first post I have in the vernacular.

Huh, curious. I guess I am really irritated.

Nothing much... still alive.

Moved into my new room and it's still a mess but hey, I'm the one staying there right?

Anger is not good, but irritation is okay.

I hate being the go-between.

Life sucks? Heck no! Life is cool! It's the people who suck.

I like Shatyah (sp?) the Emperor of the Dark from Eternity. He's one cool dude.

Stuck in chapter 13 for Illusion.

Stuck in chapter 6 of Countdown.

Stuck in chapter 4 of Embitterment and Almost.

Still stuck.

Light at the end of the tunnel... two years in coming. Well, two years or so, but it's thereabouts.

Argh.

Finally remembered to update...

Here's been what's happening to me so far:




19 November 2003

The power went out last night, right around 7pm or so. I was writing Illusion that time. hehehe speaking of Illusion, I'm at chapter 7/8 right now and moving things along faster than before ^__^ James scored another kiss and without the resounding slap! Man, am I proud of him!

So anyway, power outage, right. I went to bed than (good thing we already had dinner by then) and plugged in my mobile radio. I like my phone, except when it acts up.

Needless to say, I had a hard time getting to sleep but I must have dozed off a few times. There was no fan, no nothing to ward off the mosquitos and all that.

It was really late; the radio station had just signed off (midnight and all that). I was just thinking then about that legend/myth... at the witching hour (midnight no less), you stand in front of the mirror with a candle at hand and you will see the face of the man you'll marry/spend the rest of your life with. Either that or you'll see the devil who'll take you for his bride.

Erh... it's something for the girls, I think... more of, I don't know if there's a similar thing for the guys so there.

So back to my retelling...

I was lying down facing the mirror with the window behind me, the moonlight outside providing some illumination. I could feel a tingling all over my body, that all the hairs on my skin were standing up, and I knew the sensation of fear. I recognized it for what it was -- fear -- and it grew until I could actually feel my molars hurting.

It rose and ebbed, depending on what I was thinking of, so I made a conscious effprt not to think of seeing the devil's face of the mirror. But as wuth anything forbidden, my mind turned to it more and more until I just threw my malong over my head.

I was also facing the open bedroom door, and I saw candlelight. Through the malong I discerned my brother's form out there and I heard him open the back door.

I felt something solid emerge behind me so I scrambled up and almost ran down the stairs. My brother was sitting on the bench just off the back door; I could see the cats eating their midnight snack so I knew that was what he was doing. I sat down beside him and I could feel my airways closing up because I was trying to speak, breathe and not cry at the same time. I was practically choking.

It was then that I woke up, and I mean woke up with a start! I took in a deep breath adn I recognized that I'd been lying on my side, exactly as I had been before -- back to the window, facing the mirror and the open door.

It was realistic, it was spooky.

The power came on at 30 minutes past 12 midnight.






24 November 2003

*sigh*

It's just after four in the afternoon and I've just finished cooking dinner. Well, the rice was a no-brainer -- just whack it in the rice cooker and wait for one of the lights to turn off and you're done.

As for theviand... I made two dishes, both fish but still. One was a simple soup with just tomatoes, and the other one is called Sarciado. The fish I used is called Dalagang Bukid (erh... Farm Maiden? hehehe) So anyway, this is the first time that I've cooked that particular dish and a neighbor had to tell me about it, since I was just planning on the soup and nothing else.

Fry fish. Sauté onion, garlic, tomatoes. Season to taste. Add water, let boil. Add fried fish then let boil again. After which, add a beaten egg and wait until egg is cooked. Then serve. Quite simple, ne?

And tomorrow I'm also slated to cook. I just watched a show on Discovery Travel and Adventure and it was about barbeque. So I wanted to make some. The marinade for one was Coke and brown sugar. I'm like huh? But I'll try anything once.

The other one's a kind of my derivative of the seasoning used in that one restaurant in N. Carolina that specializes in barbeque. It's pepper, sugar, salt, vinegar, and I can't remember the rest. Only, of course, I added my own seasonings, some of which I always use in combinatin whenever I cook Adobo -- powdered ginger and hot paprika.

Wonder how everything will turn out tomorrow?

Hmm... wait and see...




And I got the call backs from the two companies I applied to. Well, not really since one said if they didn't call then they'd offered the position to someone else.

But the other called. As usual, with my luck and karma, they called when I was out in the market. Noisy market + low voice = difficulty in hearing.

Did I mention that I was walking in the noisy market?

That's happened three times already! When companies call me, I'm either commuting or out somewhere.

Grr...

It's been a long week...


06 November

I had to wake up at 12midnight so we could leave at 1am to get to the airport for my sister's 3 am check-in. That done, and we were only there for a maximum of 5 minutes, just enough time to drop her off, and we were off home again.

Then I stayed up to watch the Europe Music Awards 03, live! Of course it was early the next morning.

But it was all good.

07 November

I went with my other sister to my other sister's school to get her papers. Needless to say, we didn't get the papers, just got her registered for residency, or something like that which is equivalent to graduation.

Then a company, Etelecare, called me up when I was in transit. I couldn't very well conduct that conversation while I'm commuting, right? So I asked if they could call me up in an hour. I was still traveling by that time so they called me up the next day. I was set up for an exam the following Monday.

10 November

I woke up at around 130 or was it 2 am? I forget, but it was all so I could get the earlier bus out because it was a Monday and it's hell to commute on that day any day of the week, let me tell you. My exam was at 930am, so of course I had a long wait.

And I am not even going to bore you with the other maddening details of that day. Suffice it to say that I could have done with one less companion that day, and I'm being generous with my assessment. Especially when I felt like strangling someone.

So there I was at the Etelecare office, filling out my form and waiting to be called for the exam. I met a former college classmate... well, Sheryl was more of a close friend of a blockmate so we're friends, something like that. Then a guy comes over and sits down on the chair next to the couch I'm sitting on. His name's Basil dela Cruz, and he was looking into the opening for Technical Support.

We talked; there was nothing else to do. And I'm quite sure the two of us were one of the topics the girls from across the room were talking about.

Exam time, and we were told we'd also be in for our first interview. Imagine my surprise!

Exam was easy, basic common sense and all that IQ stuff. Interview went as well as could be expected.

Passed.

Second interview to be set, can't be that same day as I'm commuting back to the province. Also met a girl there, a college school mate, graduated from a sister course, works in the government (asked if she saw Jerry Yan when he paid a courtesy call there, but she said she and her officemates rarely knew what was going on there), two kids.

12 November

Second interview. Butterflies and moths playing in my stomach.

Botched up system! No ID passes available at the lobby of the building, had to wait for someone to get some from upstairs. Good thing I was early as they took their bloody time with the ID passes! There was this guy, Eugene, who'd been waiting for an hour, and he was already late for his interview. Talk about consideration!

I had the 1130 slot, and I was there 1120. 1130 came and went, and I was interviewed around 12 or 1215. ''Because your interviewer's with someone else right now, please wait for your name to be called.''

Right.

So in comes this bored looking small girl, holding a paper cup, presumably filled with coffee. She calls me and leads me to this office, and leaves the door open. In one corner with a computer terminal is a guy and in the middle of the interview in comes another girl and works in the other computer terminal at the other corner.

She sounded so bored, and I was more than irked already, though doing a good job of hiding it, if I do say so myself.

Needless to say, she went all, ''we'll call you, don't call us'' route.

Bye bye.

hehehe

13 November

Favorite number. Tired.

Oh yeah, one of the kittens here at the house, the one I call Zechie, is sick. My brother said he really, really stank so he gave the kitten a bath and discovered the kitty's bottom was swollen. The one case I could think of was of this cat I saw on Animal Planet, who had an open wound wherein a family of maggots was living in.

Yup, live wriggling maggots living off the living, rotting flesh of a living cat. It was disgusting. The vet (cute Brit, by the way) washed the wound off with some iodine and you could see the maggots just falling off into the tray with the black-brown iodine solution.

Eurgh.

And just last night when I was watching TV, I saw Zechie climb up the backdoor -- we have a glass window atop the window, and he fell! I heard the 'plunk' and I think he hit something. It was like 7 feet! He fell down 7 feet!

Ack.

But today he seems alright, and he's walking properly again.






New motto: Agreement is one way to avoid committing homicide.

Old story: I have two older sisters, and there are still times when I feel like I'm mediating between two squabbling seven-year-olds. Imagine that. Of course, there are time when I really feel like experimenting if I really do have that so-called ability I could have inherited from my mother. Extreme emotions. Hmm... murder extreme enough?

Of course, that would call for cold-mindedness and logic, both of which I am without, right? Being nothing can do that to you.

I'm still sleepy.

And I'm having trouble breathing again. It happens when I'm tired and I travel.

Man, I'm becoming dream-girl over here. So... last night's dream -- or it could be early this morning, whichever.

I suppose it started with me being in my room with someone I know, but it was a girl and I think we were doing either embroidery or crochet or knitting, and talking. Then here come these vines just growing from under my bed and climbing all over the place!

I got the feeling that I'd faced/seen them before and I was afraid. But we both got to work and threw the clingy vines off the bed and onto the walls. Then this girl goes to the two main vines and I back away because I just knew they'd be snakes.

And they were.

Eurgh!

All the vines started wriggling around and became snakes. We backed out of the room, and then she and my brother did some sort of radio announcement thingamajig (which I suppose would mean that my subconscious has integrated the radio into my dream as my radio is on) about a school and what-not.

Then my brother collected all of the snakes, all 83 of them. This is one thing that I am sure of, that there were 83 snakes all in all; don't know why. So he collects them with this nifty gadget mainly used for collecting snakes that I saw in Discovery Channel, and puts them all in a hamper of all things. And it was my hamper!

We leave the house and then we're in this grocery store. I separate from them and wander into the snack section. I get my foodstuff because we were going to an arena or something to watch a show. What kind of show, I don't know, though I knew we would need snacks and it would be entertaining.

So I go over to my companions and they were all looking askance at me and my grocery basket. I had bottled water, a bag of chips, a bag of candies, and Pringles. Funny thing was the Pringles I remembered being the red one but not the plain/original flavor, something pizza or something.

My brother and I went over to the other aisles and picked up his foodstuff, as he had to get rid of the snakes first, right? And I remember this orange juice container being in a shape of the Eiffel Tower, just sitting there on the shelf and we got it because it looked different from the rest of the juice selection.

We went to the cashier -- actually, I went to the cashier -- and you'd never guess who was minding it. Martha Stewart! Of all people, it was Martha Stewart! And she was kinda bossy with her assistants in the store, throwing commands left and right, but she smiled at the customers.

Weird eh?

*~*

Dang, I knew I was upset about something, and I even visualized what and how I was going to write it down. But it's gone now. All I know is that it went something along this format.

*me angry and ranting*

Right, need to calm down.

Daniel Radcliffe.

*immediate smile*

Immediate calm.

Right.


Argh, and here I thought I was over this...! Then I had to go to the ultimate Daniel Radcliffe fan site and I saw the new picture he was sending out to his fans who write him...! *sigh* gorgeous.

Now I'm off to write... ta-ta!

I had a disturbing dream. Well, it wasn't that disturbing I suppose... but it kinda jerked me awake, like immediately. It was a different kind of adrenaline rush from before...

Argh. How can I say this...?

Hmm... well, the dream involved James (from Illusion and Countdown, which technically is just one character) and sex. hehehe sex and James, James and sex

Oh my freaking god.

I scare me sometimes. Scratch that: a lot of times.


I'm only remembering this now but my sister mentioned once something about me having innate 'magic' in me because of my Mum. Local witchcraft lore talking here. Coz she said Mum had an ability. So I got to wondering who among us got the ability, genes being passed on and stuff.

She said she had some, but that I maybe could have more. I'm like, huh? I can't remember any instance in my boring life that I did anything of the sort.

So she said just be aware of what's happening to me and around me when I feel extreme emotions. And here I kinda smirked because if I let myself be really, REALLY angry and I visualize what I want to happen to the people who ticked me off... erh... it can get nasty. I have a wild imagination regarding torture, blood, and mayhem.

But hey, if it works...!

Wonder now if I feel the opposite of anger, what'd happen?


Argh.

hehehe Britney vs Christina Weekend at MTV. Nah, it wasn't the local MTV relay, I think I have MTV Europe or something. But anyway, I watched the show the whole weekend.

Oh dear lord. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera in one weekend. What was I thinking?!

And now I have too much of 'Me Against the Music' in my head!

I had a weird dream, very realistic it was, and that was somewhat frightening.

I suppose it started when I got the impression that I was 'fighting' for position in a car or some sort of vehicle. I don't know if I got my preferred seat or not because that was when my cell phone rang. It was with a distinct feeling of dread that I answered it; the caller ID display was for TT. That meant I knew the person, right? Since his/her number was in my phone memory, but I have no recollection of someone having that alias in my phone memory.

When I answered the phone, I could hear one of my nephews in the background screaming and shouting something fierce. It was then that I knew that my nephew had been kidnapped and that they were calling me for the terms of his release.

On the flip side of it all, and I'm just realizing it now, why the hell did they call me?! I have no money and I'm not the kid's parent! I'm just the aunt, so why me?

For some reason my setting in the dream was inside a cathedral or a very large church, filling up with people for service. I strode over to the courtyard, and I knew people were looking at me but what the hell, who cares about them?

I can't recollect now what we talked about, only that the person on the other side had a girly voice and was trying to make it into that annoying five-year-old cutey girly voice when it was so painfully obvious she wasn't a five-year-old. Something like Umbridge would sound, I'm thinking right now.

We talked and talked until it rained on the outside and I was getting soaked and the phone reception was getting bad. But if it was one thing that I learned watching police negotiators at work with hostage-takers and what-not, it was to get the verification that the hostage/s were alright, for the time being at least, and that meant getting to hear their voice or something like that.

Now I had no idea where they were holding my nephew so I was also hoping that he'd be able to give me some clues as to where he was.

I was 'negotiating' with the girly voice and I know she was going to let me talk to my nephew but the service got cut, something about 'transmission cannot be continued' shit or something. You can imagine my frustration and anger as I entered the church to go back to my companions and family who were awaiting word.

The church service was on its way as I walked up the aisle to where they were and I got the distinct feeling that everyone, even the priest stopped when I shouted "Goddamnit!" as I walked.

And that was when I woke up. I was still feeling the adrenaline rush of it when I woke up and I had to take a moment to orient myself as to where and when I am.

I really wish I could remember how and what I talked about when I was in negotiator mode. The one thing that I know I hoped I had done (but couldn't because the phone call and the topic was so unexpected) was to have the phone call traced. I know there's some software out there that can do that.

So let's put all the quizzes in one post, makes for an interesting post, won't it?

Right, so apologies to Feifu if I'm being too much of a copycat ^__^;; Hey, you have quizzes!



You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla


I protest!




Your element is Earth. I hate to say it but you are
down to earth. Stubborn and loyal. You tend to
want to nurture others and you are the one
person friends always come to for awnsers.
Without people like you others would be flying
over the edge because, whether you know it or
not you keep a steady beat to your life and
will end up where you want to in the end. There
is a sureness about you that is hard to match
that draws people to you. No matter what
happens the Earth keeps turning.


What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla


Alrighty! This one I LIKE!!




Night Walker, the second class of vampire. You are
depressive and introverted, making it hard to
reach you. Your servants are very few, because
you do not like to take prisoners. Your powers
are comprised of shadow magic. You are lonely
deep down inside, but won't let others see your
true self. You should try to open up more
often.


What class of vampire are you? (some new images)
brought to you by Quizilla


hehehe do not take prisoners! Show them no mercy for they shall show you none. NIght Walker... it does count that I don't sleep much right? Well, there are reasons for that, let's just not get into them right now.




You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


Inspirational... me? erh...




Which Shaman King Guy Is Perfect for you
brought to you by Quizilla


hehehe couldn't resist the bad guy... he is kinda hot though, so it's not so bad.




Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


Oohh... we got the same result...! Erh, good thing or bad thing, Feifu?




Senko - "Wizard Child; Hermit Child"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh my... hermit child, I like...!



I like the seasons result best. It's more..., just more. But I'm not too sure about the inspirational part though.

Oh gods, I just remembered... have to look for job...! Now! Help! Need to get out of here, otherwise I'll be left with... eurgh!

*sigh*

I noticed my nails again. Gah... I really have to remember to ignore it from now on. It'll be with me for a long time, now won't it?

I went to my niece's birthday party just next door. Full of kids, balloons, cake but I didn't get to taste it darn it, spaghetti and other usual party food. hehehe When I came back to the house, the TV was on WOWOW and the movie was Cross Roads.

Yup, I managed to watch at least towards the ending of Britney Spears' movie.

Zoiks, and I borrowed a friend's Britney CDs before... hehehe ^__^;;


Oh yeah, I've been hogging MTV for any glance of Blue's new music video called Guilty. I've only been able to see the last minute or two of it and never the beginning.

But I lucked out!

HAH! I watched the whole video!

Gah, but Duncan still looks HOT!! Sizzling hot! I like the new hair!

And surprisingly enough, Anthony actually looks... nice.

Lee's as cute as usual.

Simon's... Simon. Good to see he gave up on the Afro thing for his hair and just braided his hair. He really does have a nicely shaped head.

Wai! Duncan!

Oh goddarn it...!

I just noticed my nails, more specifically my left middle fingernail. I hate how it looks right now. It's all... wrong. And this just happened because I took off the pink clouds nail polish I put on earlier in the week, then I noticed it.

That white part of the nail that's like the division of sorts between the "free nail" and the one stuck to your flesh? Well, that's what's wrong. A month or several weeks ago -- I forget which -- there was this little piece of stubborn dirt that wouldn't come out so I poked at it until I somehow forced the flesh off.

But it didn't hurt at all.

And now my nails are not even, and I hate that!

Gah... nail doctor anyone? Help? Fix this problem? Please?

Argh.

It's annoying to look at, to say the least.

If I had left that piece of dirt inside, it would have probably sparked off a more serious thing, right?

Tell me I'm right.

And now I'm thinking of covering it up again with the pink clouds nail polish, erh, nail lacquer I mean. That's what it says on the bottle anyway.

Really cute, pink with some gold and all sparkly looking like clouds... I guess that't why it's called pink clouds, ne?

oh my... I'm currently SMSing my other brother while typing this and it's hell on the fingers of both hands. Anyway...

Oohh... Metallica!!

Erhm, MTV Unpaused currently playing. Gah, who do I vote for in the MTV European Music Awards?!

Nasty problem.

But then again, here's another problem: It has been suggested that I study Arabic to get a job abroad. So now I'm surfing the Net for schools here to see if there are any Arabic Language Learning Centers. Needless to say, I have yet to find something. I did find some correspondence courses but it's still debatable if it'll work for me.

Hey, at least I know that the Arabic word for fish is samakah and that date (the fruit) is tamarah. I'm not too sure of the spelling as I'm writing them from memory.

*sigh*

I got a track suit jacket from the YOUNG BOYS DEPARTMENT and it fits!

Okay, I'll get over that right now.

Done.


Life news: nothing so earth-shattering. I'm writing again. hehehe funny James of Illusion. Can't you just bloody say SORRY?!

Right, moving on... James of Countdown is doing a better job of being than his counterpart in Illusion.

Tyrel's sooo gonna be in the hot spot when I get to Embitterment again.

Erh, and Annie (Almost) left Lexie.

*sigh*


My brother met with the Miss Earth (or something like that Internation Pageant) contestants earlier today.

hehehe got this from Gem's journal:


You are Form 6, Elfin: The Wyld.

"And The Elfin saw the evil and
misjudgement in the world and shot her arrow at
the sky. Bolts of lightning struck the earth
and gave the world balance and
growth."

Some examples of the Elfin Form are Demeter (Greek)
and Khepry (Egyptian).
The Elfin is associated with the concept of growth
and balance, the number 6, and the element of
water.
Her sign is the half moon.

As a member of Form 6, you are a very balanced
individual. You can easily adapt to most
situations and you may be a good social
chameleon. You aren't afraid of changes in
your life, but sometimes you evolve too
rapidly, leaving others to think that you are
leaving them behind. Elfin are the best
friends to have because they are open minded.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


^___^

So... Feifu's looking for an update... by the way, nice earthquake some days ago, ne? I was watching TV both times. There was an earlier quake some days before then the two quakes. It was really...

Anyway.

Robinson's opened here! Actually in another city (Lipa) in the province but it's like an hour's bus ride away anyway so it's nearby. It's in the city where I went to high school.

Robinson's = fountain, so I watched the fountain. It was just a two-storey structure so the fountain wasn't that high. Shops galore! I could get used to malling.

I found the jacket I've been looking for for a while now. And you'll never guess where I found it. Gods, it was soo strange but okay I guess. I saw the jacket at Giordano first and it cost 1299 PhP. That was for the females, and the one for the males cost 1499 PhP. At least I think that was the difference.

I was like, I am not blowing my whole lot of money for that.

The next jacket I found was at this 50% store where everything was marked down by 50%. There was a jacket all right, and the price was okay 295 PhP or thereabouts but it didn't fit me well. It was too small for me.

Back to square one.

So off to the Department Store. I went through the clothes racks for women and teen girls. One of the sales ladies said to check the mens wear, so off to there.

Guess where I found my dream jacket.

At the young boys department.

Not teen boys. Young boys.

And the jacket fit! It was in XL but hey, it was young boys before teenager age.

It fit! And it cost 199.75 PhP!

Cool!

Ororo... what in the name...? It's a new format again, for the editing your blog page.

But anyway.

A.C.I.D.E.R.'s up, version 5.

Story updates:

Illusion: still in Chapter 5: Apologizing. I'm still working out a way for James and Anna to get to talking properly. So they're in a cafe then... what?! James set up the meet so I suppose he should do the talking.

Countdown: Chapter 4 is done! But I haven't uploaded it yet. Currently working in Chapter 5 but I'm planning in putting it on hold so I can work on the others. If the others don't work, then I'm going back to this one.

Children of the Dark: I'm still not satisfied with Chapters 1 and 2, so I'm thinking of going it over again and possibly make it into one chapter only.

My leg's going numb...

Embitterment: Haven't touched this one in a while. I'm still in Chapter 4 and in the resolution of the conflict, hopefully. If Tyrel's in a bad mood, I'm thinking this is going to add to the conflict. Darn.

Almost: Finally finished chapter 3 but I haven't uploaded yet. I'm thinking it's more mature this time around. Work on Chapter 4 is progressing.

A New Life for the Wolf: Chapter 7, have to end the story line by the tenth chapter. Sorry Saitou but I just realized that. Don't go threatening me with that Gatotsu nonsense right now...

Gundam Wing fanfics: hehehe ^__^ wrote a naughty one with Trowa. Still debating if I'm going to upload it.

Inuyasha fanfics: Erh... A Place on Earth stays on as a one-shot.

So far, that's all folks!

Black kitten is now known as Choco II. Just because.

They're eating rice now, kinda, but Choco II doesn't like it so he's content to just suckle.


I'm amazed at myself. A few days ago, I stayed up real late, like until lunch the next day, and I slept real late the next day. Almost 24 hours, wouldn't you say?

So I got to wondering... what the hell stopped me from slitting my wrists?

I had TWO box cutters with me in the room.

I'd been basically left alone for the duration of that time.

I had opportunity, so why the hell not?! Reminds me of that Lizzie McGuire song: "Why not? Take a crazy chance. So why not?"

Then again, in a moment of levity, I could say that I was too bloody sleepy to do it.

Seriously though... it is a bit curious, considering the last time that happened, someone really interrupted me with a rather inane request: "Erh, can we turn on your stereo? It's really quiet in the dorm." or something like that, or it could have been my roommate was borrowing the stereo or one of my tapes. But anyway.

Oh yeah, there's this one time (different roommates this time around) I was really depressed and I just stayed in the room for three days. I didn't eat anything, and I can't even remember if I drank water, but I must have coz I'm still alive. I ignored my roommates, and one was even kind enough to do the same to me, though I must conjecture that most of the girls in my dorm ignored her and we ignore her right back. But that's another story.

But my other roommate, kind and young and naive, reached out.

Dang. I could have wasted away and no one would be the wiser! I was just a lump of flesh on the bed anyway.

So why back to all this death and despair?

Coz I feel like it, that's why.

Oh shit.

Why am I even justifying myself to you? Sod off.


Updating my blog is kinda making me feel traitorous towards my site, ACIDER, ony because I haven't put anything up there in a while. I'm still finishing up the stories. I'm about done on a collage/wallpaper of Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint. Just have to submit them to the sites I got their pictures from, just so they know, right?

Illusion chronicles: my notes and thoughts during the actual editing of Illusion.


24 September 2003
very early morning

This is getting to be a doozy. I used the organizer incident but with a bit of a twist. If in the real life occurence, the victim didn't recall anything of what happened, in this case, Russell gets a monster headache.

I'm not too sure with its writing though, so I may go back to it later.

It's all Russ and Faye right now!

Though I sorta retained the scene when Anna kinda looked right through James. And this time around, he kinda admitted to something...

*~*

afternoon

I feel like I'm hurrying the scenes along, mainly because I want to reach somewhere fast. But the essential scenes will still be there, like that one with Faye and Russ and they get locked in a room by his the latter's own mother and the subsequent injury. I think.

So I'm thinking of modifying the organizer incident a bit.

*~*

evening

Wai! I'm done with Chapter 4: Disclosure! Finally! Only this chapter used to be chapter 3 so... argh... re-working the chapter numbers.

I'm quite happy with it.

So onto the new chapter 5! hehehe more James moments...? WAI!!

*~*

Argh... apology scene... I had it all worked out before, but in retrospect, it sounds (reads) so... amateurish. Not real. I have to make it real.

*~*

Argh! I know there are meanings attached to numerous flowers, and the colors of flowers. Which flower and which color means "asking for forgiveness" or "sorry?" Is it yellow roses? Or any yellow flowers?

HELP!!

*~*

Oh my... I have no idea what the hell I'm writing anymore! I have an idea of what I wanted to happen, but I'm having trouble making it happen!

*~*

Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...! Have to make it happen...!

I like the idea of what I want to happen but how to get there...?!

*~*

I'm taking a break...

*~*

I re-did the organizer incident, by the way, but I don't know if it's up to standard yet. I have to let it sit for a few more hours before I go back to it and see how it really is.

*sigh*

The trials and tribulations of being me...

The current Illusion looks like a new interpretation of my original story idea. *sigh* James has got to get his act together so I could write it better. The guy is still hedging...!

*~*

Illusion chronicles: my notes and thoughts during the actual editing of Illusion.


20 September 2003
afternoon

Wai! I'm really editing Illusion! I'm just starting on Chapter 1: The Bet. It'll still be along the same lines of the previous premise of the story; I'm just going to change some things... erh... that's not too clear, is it?

Maybe it has something to do with a change in writing style? I don't know, I think my writing style's changed somewhat.

Gods when I read my earlier works, I just want to cringe and hide in a small corner and be forever forgotten by everyone. I felt I was that bad.

Hmm... maybe I should go to that mentor thing and have them look over what I've done so far.

*~*

I got rid of some of the vernacular terms. It'll be a bit different reading it again without the liberal use of the vernacular terms but, they're not going to be that gone from the story.

I'm going for one person's perspective at a time, usually Anna's, but I use other POVs as well when it calls for it.

*~*

I'm actually using *~*~* to separate the story into parts. It was someone who reviewed my RK story who said I should use some sort of visual separating technique instead of just increased spaces in between paragraphs so it'll be a bit more clear to the readers.

It's night and I'm at Chapter 2: The Courting Process.

*~*

I'm stopping at Chapter 2 for now, but I've finished it. I am so sleepy, and my eyes hurt. It's turning out quite well. I've made the changes, and I just have to remember the continuity of it. The change that I kinda like was in the kiss. Nice.

I'm planning on finishing the first editing on through Chapter 14, then doing a secondary review and final revision, then save it as html and finally posting it!

*~*


21 September 2003
evening

Wai! Chapter... erh... 4... Chapter 3 gets a new title: Repercussions of Knowing. Chapter 4 is still as yet untitled.

I've reworked the chaptering of the story and it's driving me batty. I saw the file size of chapter 2 and it was huge, considering. Gods! So now, I'm cutting and pasting, editing, reworking, adding, deleting... erh, editor work.

Tiring, but enjoyable, as I get to immerse myself in the story once more. Who knows? If I get into a roll here, I'd probably start writing this again!

*~*

Oh man... I think I've got the chaptering down, so far. I have no idea how it'll be with the other chapters, as some of them are quite long, and I might need to chop them up a bit somehow. I won't know until I get there so I'll just not worry about them.

So far, I've re-worked some scenes between Faye and Russ, and they're cooperating wonderfully.

*~*

Okay, major change: Anna and Faye move into the former's sister-in-law's apartment early on in the story, not later.

Why? Because I want to.

*~*

Right, apartment model I'm going with is my friend's Kelvin's actual apartment when he was here. Last I heard, he's been sent to China by his mother, and I still have no idea if he's back or not.

*~*

Ringtone: Sakura Saku. When and if I find my hard copy of it, I'll put it up here so you can see how noisy and boisterous it is.

*~*

Eep! Major revamp in the offing!

*~*

It's not always darkness and gloom; there'll always be a measure of light somewhere thrown into the mix. Right?

Feeling and being blue are two different things.


So anyway, something Doc told me before got me thinking. Well, e were talking about Illusion and I just thought... maybe, what if I mess around with it a bit. y'know? Change it a bit, a bit of snipping there, a bit of tailoring there... nothing too drastic (but that depends on your POV) but a make-over still.


It's kinda creepy when you know you're the only one awake in the house and there's this mysterious pounding on the stone wall. Could have come from outside, from the neighbour... But then again, what's that rustling sound coming from within the house?

Argh, creeping myself out... gotta cure myself of that. I'm the one who's supposed to be immune to such suggestions.


Homura's dead.

Gensomaden Saiyuki just ended on cable, and it was quite heartbreaking, the way Homura set about getting what he wanted done. Just to have a place to die, and die in a manner befitting a fighting god.

Yeah, I know, it's been done before and GS is kinda old already but bear with me, alright? It's been a while since I last saw the series, and not I'm planning on having a marathon tomorrow... erh... today. Now, let's see... Gensomaden definitely, Endless Waltz as I've been missing it on CN, Inuyasha (miss that hanyou!)... what else do I have?

D's always good for a bit of vampirey fun. Damn, now I wish I'd grabbed the Miyu CDs from before.

Still too much Ranma, so I'll pass this time around. But maybe the other movie that I have, just not the OAV. Maybe.


Stressing too much about something stresses the heart, right? Compound it with a heart condition and you have an environment ripe for a heart attack. Sign me up for a front seat.

I'm quite pleased though that I managed to get the Numb ringtone that I've been wanting ever since I heard it on my sister's phone. I used her phone to send it to me but only after I rewrote the thing with the composer, as it wouldn't send otherwise.

Erh, would it be legal if I posted the ringtone here? Guess not, don't wanna be in trouble with the cellular phone company that's been somewhat of a lifeline for me for the past few years. And it was a promo of theirs so...


Ideas for Illusion... hmm... changing it a bit does sound more appealing... That and I'm beginning to mix up scenes among Illusion and Almost and Countdown and Embitterment. Sheesh, add Saitou to the mix and I have a major headache. Not to mention Harry!

Damn, getting the Illusion file is kinda difficult... have to resort to trickiness if Yahoo won't cooperate! Avast yeh land-lovers! Onto the late night we sail!


I have got to get a life...!

But I'm bored with it.

And I get ideas on what to do with my stories and make wallpapers/collages in the middle of the night! I can't blame myself for that though, as it is quiet at night and I can think properly. During the day, it's always a fine mix of keeping a balance so as not to spark up a fight between my sisters (that includes me in the equation) and keeping awake. It's better for me to sleep during the day, less stressful.

Night has always been my creative time, ne? Except for when I'm feeling lazy and just let my mind roam about with nothing holding it back.

Floating is fun... free me from the mundane worries of everyday life...

It's not always darkness and gloom; there'll always be a measure of light somewhere thrown into the mix. Right?

Feeling and being blue are two different things.


So anyway, something Doc told me before got me thinking. Well, e were talking about Illusion and I just thought... maybe, what if I mess around with it a bit. y'know? Change it a bit, a bit of snipping there, a bit of tailoring there... nothing too drastic (but that depends on your POV) but a make-over still.


It's kinda creepy when you know you're the only one awake in the house and there's this mysterious pounding on the stone wall. Could have come from outside, from the neighbour... But then again, what's that rustling sound coming from within the house?

Argh, creeping myself out... gotta cure myself of that. I'm the one who's supposed to be immune to such suggestions.


Homura's dead.

Gensomaden Saiyuki just ended on cable, and it was quite heartbreaking, the way Homura set about getting what he wanted done. Just to have a place to die, and die in a manner befitting a fighting god.

Yeah, I know, it's been done before and GS is kinda old already but bear with me, alright? It's been a while since I last saw the series, and not I'm planning on having a marathon tomorrow... erh... today. Now, let's see... Gensomaden definitely, Endless Waltz as I've been missing it on CN, Inuyasha (miss that hanyou!)... what else do I have?

D's always good for a bit of vampirey fun. Damn, now I wish I'd grabbed the Miyu CDs from before.

Still too much Ranma, so I'll pass this time around. But maybe the other movie that I have, just not the OAV. Maybe.


Stressing too much about something stresses the heart, right? Compound it with a heart condition and you have an environment ripe for a heart attack. Sign me up for a front seat.

I'm quite pleased though that I managed to get the Numb ringtone that I've been wanting ever since I heard it on my sister's phone. I used her phone to send it to me but only after I rewrote the thing with the composer, as it wouldn't send otherwise.

Erh, would it be legal if I posted the ringtone here? Guess not, don't wanna be in trouble with the cellular phone company that's b����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������

Erh... yeah...

Right.

Now then.

"I'm off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz..."

There are four small kittens in the house now. I call them small kittens coz they're really just babies, as compared to big kitten Shiro nowadays. So anyway, I had a chance to play with them and I named them somewhat. The almost pure white somewhat similar to Shiro I call Hakuneko, partly because of Hakuryu from Gensomaden Saiyuki. The purely black is classically called Kuro.

Shiro's staying inside the house now, because it was raining earlier. He actually has his own house now, made of sturdy wood, with a cushion inside as he likes his bed soft... really vain cat. And he's curled up on the couch as I write this. I had to tug up the sofa covers over him as he looked cold.

So anyway, the one small kitten with mixed markings -- Actually they kinda remind me of that Biology class I took, erh Botany I think coz that's the only Biology course I took in college and I distinctly remember being in a college classroom when it was discussed, in that there are always four possible outcomes in any reproductive process. There's going to be the one that resembles one parent and one that resembles the other parent, there there's the mixed one, and a recessive gene progeny.

I'm not too sure of the accuracy but there it is.

Anyway, there are two small kittens with mixed coloring -- black and white. The only one that I actually see is one with a full head of black fur and if you look at its back, the shape of the black fur is in the shape of the number six with the tail end of the number the cat's tail itself. So I'm calling it Zechie ^__^

I don't watch Yu-Gi-Oh! after that first episode. I guess I was kinda turned off by that girl's cheesiness going on about "the symbol of our friendship" and what-not. I'll take a mecha any day.

So speaking of which, I bought a sort of manual, a how-to guide to draw manga style. It was the cheaper version but it's alright. I haven't tried it out yet, as I find myself quite busy with my cross stitch of Minamino Shuuichi. Hmm... I guess I bought too much of that one thread but... there'll be other projects, ne?

I'm thinking one of Harry Potter would be nice... Now where do I buy the pattern...?

I know there's this one shop -- either in Sta. Lucia or Megamall -- that could print a pattern of your desired picture to be made into cross stitch. Cool ne? I just have the picture I want to cross stitch but it's not colored yet.

Ne, Feifu, can you color the illusion file kiss03? The B&W kiss of James and Anna?

^__^ Looks nice eh, could look nice in cross stitch.

Erh... yeah...

Right.

Now then.

"I'm off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz..."

There are four small kittens in the house now. I call them small kittens coz they're really just babies, as compared to big kitten Shiro nowadays. So anyway, I had a chance to play with them and I named them somewhat. The almost pure white somewhat similar to Shiro I call Hakuneko, partly because of Hakuryu from Gensomaden Saiyuki. The purely black is classically called Kuro.

Shiro's staying inside the house now, because it was raining earlier. He actually has his own house now, made of sturdy wood, with a cushion inside as he likes his bed soft... really vain cat. And he's curled up on the couch as I write this. I had to tug up the sofa covers over him as he looked cold.

So anyway, the one small kitten with mixed markings -- Actually they kinda remind me of that Biology class I took, erh Botany I think coz that's the only Biology course I took in college and I distinctly remember being in a college classroom when it was discussed, in that there are always four possible outcomes in any reproductive process. There's going to be the one that resembles one parent and one that resembles the other parent, there there's the mixed one, and a recessive gene progeny.

I'm not too sure of the accuracy but there it is.

Anyway, there are two small kittens with mixed coloring -- black and white. The only one that I actually see is one with a full head of black fur and if you look at its back, the shape of the black fur is in the shape of the number six with the tail end of the number the cat's tail itself. So I'm calling it Zechie ^__^

I don't watch Yu-Gi-Oh! after that first episode. I guess I was kinda turned off by that girl's cheesiness going on about "the symbol of our friendship" and what-not. I'll take a mecha any day.

So speaking of which, I bought a sort of manual, a how-to guide to draw manga style. It was the cheaper version but it's alright. I haven't tried it out yet, as I find myself quite busy with my cross stitch of Minamino Shuuichi. Hmm... I guess I bought too much of that one thread but... there'll be other projects, ne?

I'm thinking one of Harry Potter would be nice... Now where do I buy the pattern...?

I know there's this one shop -- either in Sta. Lucia or Megamall -- that could print a pattern of your desired picture to be made into cross stitch. Cool ne? I just have the picture I want to cross stitch but it's not colored yet.

Ne, Feifu, can you color the illusion file kiss03? The B&W kiss of James and Anna?

^__^ Looks nice eh, could look nice in cross stitch.

I envy Gem, and my other friends who have purpose in their lives. They're doing something because they want to do it, and they have PLANS! Gods, when was the last time that I actually had a plan that stretched out for longer than a few days?!

It's not easy admitting that, but there it is.

Envy and jealousy. They creep up on you, and then you're gone. Some of my friends are already doctors and some are about to take the Law Boards, several already have careers and not just working to get by, but real careers dude!

Where did the little girl with big plans go? Where is she?

I think I lost her somewhere along the past when I turned to the present, a difficult place to look for something you lost. The future's still dark, and it's hurting my eyes.

And she had such grand plans to change the world... or did she? Or were they just "plans" that got ingrained into her brain by an idea that there could be an ideal?

There is no ideal, no true altruism, no perfection. They are ideas, not of the realm of the real, are they not?


Why do I get the feeling that my absolutes will not work here?


But there is one that I think I've held onto for some time. (Notice the hesitancy in saying that I know I've held onto but instead saying I think?) I hate people. Too many at any given time... I hate people. I can deal with persons (5 at the most including me) but not people.

I like odd number groupings, so when they pair up, I get to be alone.


Ch. The makings of a hermit. Wonder if I'll run into an abomination like Son Goku? That'll be fun, born from a rock and raised in heaven.

15 September

And here I was, supposedly I'm to update my website but... hehehe don't want to, but heck, maybe I will if and when I feel like it later. Just have to check it out anyway, if everything's done and ready.

So... we've been eating duck stew during the weekend. My brother went to the other house, my sister-in-law's, and got a duck from them; they raised 10 of them I think, but were all males so no chance of reproduction, is there? Anyway, so my brother went there and got one, brought it back here and slaughtered it. Cool!

I've seen chickens killed before, but I suppose the process's the same -- wring the neck and hope it breaks and kills easily, otherwise, chop it off. Then it's to the boiling water bath to remove the feathers, then open the fowl up. My brother had a difficult time with the smaller feathers, the down I suppose it could be, and just removed the whole skin off. That he actually cooked for our cats!

Oh yeah, our female cat here recently gave birth to four kittens! Cute! Two of them are a mix of black and while, then one's almost white (like Shiro here) but its head has black markings all over it, while one's really pure black and absolutely adorable but shy. They haven't left their "roost" so to speak, and are just inside my brother's room.

Anyway, back to the duck. After that, you just open the fowl, get rid of the innards and what-not, chop it up and it's ready for the pot! Simple and easy. I haven't actually done the actual chopping up of a whole chicken, but I've seen it done and have read about it, so I suppose I should do okay, I hope.

But I'm the only one here who can really clean a squid up. My father taught me how, and no one actually likes to do the cleaning up when we have squid, so it automatically falls to me. Even the cooking of squid sometimes.

Cleaning whole fish is a lot more difficult, mainly because I'm not used to it and I tend to be OC with it. Then there's the fear of rogue fish bones splintering and piercing my skin, especially when you're cleaning the stomach. Gods, you have to remove that green sac, the liver I think it is, coz it's really bitter.



*~*

13 September

Just watched Scooby Doo on cable ^__^ I'm really happy right now. I wanted to watch the movie on the big screen but one thing led to another and I couldn't go. At least they showed it on cable this soon. It was like watching the cartoons itself, only with 3D characters. Even though it was pretty obvious that Scooby was CGI, it didn't matter. I know I was enjoying the movie immensely, as I was laughing my head off at their antics.

Fred was Fred (forgot his last name), I somehow can't re-align the Fred in A Pup Named Scooby Doo cartoon with the Fred in the original cartoon. The previous Fred believed in anything and everything including the Mudmen who are in league with the Martians to take over the world, while the latter Fred just took everything with a grain of salt and that everything had to have a rational explanation.

Velma's the same as ever, the geeky nerd whose ideas always save the day no matter what. Bright orange, really bright color... Jinkys! And in the movie she was working at NASA developing that whatchamacallit weapons! Really cool! Dinkley or was it Dinkey, her last name...?

Daphne (Jones? all I could recall off the top of my head is that she's the one with the money among the group) was a bit of a reach. In the original cartoons, she was the pretty redhead with brains, though a bit of a klutz/ditz sometimes. What was it that Velma calls her... Danger-prone Daphne, that's the one. In A Pup Named Scooby Doo, she's the fashionista who once stopped a chase so she could have her butler Jenkins clean and press her wrinkled dress... I know that actually happened in one episode but I can't be sure which one, and which monster chase it was.

Shaggy Rogers... now that's a character. He's the hippie who never got out of the hippie age, owns the Mystery machine (yes it is his van people!), is best pals with a talking dog, has an appetite that can rival a black hole, a cowardly chicken who can still get the bad guys and wins out in the end. And in A Pup Named Scooby Doo series, his Dad's a policeman and he has a baby sister!

Scooby Dooby Doo!!

I can't actually remember when I started liking the cartoons but it seems like it's been a long time. They're a funny group, and the interactions between and among the characters are great. Fred, the leader, the typical American boy next door. Velma, the brains of the operation. Daphne, the pretty girl. Shaggy, the lay about. Scooby, the pet, the mascot, the hero.

You can't find them just anywhere.

Too bad about Scrappy in the movie though... bad puppy!

yeah... thoughts... a lot of them in my head but as I haven't had the opportunity to let them loose for some time now, they've become muddled in my head. For one thing, I knew I had some weird sorta nice but still weird dream the other day involving some of my high school classmates but for the life of me I can't remember anything more. Then there's last night's dream, also in the weird sorta nice but still weird category but still nada on the memory. The lesson in this is to not forego writing dreams down, therefore I should have my dream journal (also known as the handy dandy notebook) at hand.

Oh yeah, I re-organized the whole room I'm staying in, gives EVERYONE their own space. hehehe I have no idea if I just violated the feng shui of the room or whatever but... heck, anything for some peace of mind, ne? Just no more snide remarks and anything of the like.


I really don't like nosy busybody relatives, especially when they're not MY blood kin. Major hate gain that way.


I've rediscovered my cross stitch! It's the Minamino one from like 3 or 4 years ago. I'm low on several threads but it's nice cross stitching again. Therefore, it's off to the market for me to get the needed threads.


Doc's brother, i.e. MAO, is my new best friend! Two big words: Bluetooth technology. 'Nuff said. Wonder how he's doing though... Last time I saw him was... erh... a long time ago, before he graduated from college.


When I was cross stitching not so long ago, this afternoon actually, I suddenly had a thought about my funeral/wake. (Yeah, I know, morbid me yipee.) Would it be too morbid and creepy if I recorded my voice on what my thoughts would be on the actual wake, considering if what I want happens, all that will remain of me is an urn of my ashes? Yeah well, it got to be a video that played for the three days of the wake, continuously.

*sigh*

And then there was this email that I sent off to people telling them of what happened to me, assuming that I died of course. It was kinda... bittersweet (?) I guess would be an okay word, because it included my last will and testament, but since I don't rightly own anything, nothing goes to no one else but reverts back to the owners. Make sense?


So there I was, standing all alone, and I never knew darkness could be so bright as to hurt my eyes...

Just been to a friend's house to celebrate her passing the Med Boards ^__^ hehehe doctor friend, really helps to know one, just in case. She also helped me some with the many uses of my cellphone; WAP is just not something that I could be bothered with. I must admit though, that it was kinda fun.

Anyway, so it was like back in highschool. They were some of the brainiacs in school back then (though I was as well) so it was fun. I can't help but wonder, when will I meet with that special someone?

Doc has her twin flame (another doctor who went to high school with us no less), Lel has someone she met at work, Lev's married and with a cute kid. Sidenote: Nica's soooo cute! Her birthday's on the weekend and I'm not too sure if I can get to it as Doc and Lel aren't too sure themselves and I don't want to crash never mind that I did receive a verbal invite.

They seem so happy and all I can really do is stand in the sidelines and observe. After all, that's what a scientist has to do right? Social scientists have to observe society. This is like the reverse of that PO thing that we used to prattle about in college, except while it's still PO, it's the opposite of it.

The first PO means participant observation, in that the researcher immerses oneself unto the project. For example, you want to study the slums, you live in the slums, become one of the slum dwellers in reality, for a period of time, so you can have the more reliable data rather than just observing them from afar.

My version of the PO is passive observation, in that the researcher consciously steps back from the event/project being observed and records the data gathered accordingly. You melt unto the background and see what goes on. Something of a wallflower type of thing, only you're not being left alone by your lonesome at the dance because no one wants to dance with you, it's a conscious choice to be left alone so you can observe the goings-on in the dance -- who dances with who, how he dances with her, who's getting too much spiked punch, which teacher's going off with who, where the principal is...

Seems like a cop out on life, don't you think? *shrug* to each one's own dude.

I was actually toying with an idea for use in Illusion during that time we were talking; I'm still thinking about it. It was a funny scene, somehow.

Darn, I tried to color my hair again today. It's my second try with that blasted dark blonde color and still nada. I'm giving away that hair color treatment Then again, maybe not.

I'll just have to get a different hair coloring product. Hmm... how about dousing my hair with lemon juice under the hot sun? Or lime would be good.

Heck, they said my hair wasn't as dark a black as before, so I suppose the agent did work. A bit.

I dunno why I suddenly wanted to have a different hair color. I just felt like doing it and I had the materials so why the heck not go for it, right? I mean, what'll be so bad about that? Dark black hair gets boring at times.

Hmm... pink hair? blonde maybe? I know I wanna try the blue hair once of these days. Green, I'll pass thank you very much, as well as violet, no thank you.


Raining again... there's a typhoon nearby. It's cold. And the fan's wind's directly on the path of my arm. Maybe that's why my arm sometimes feels numb.


What else is there to say? But something that I thought up a couple of days ago or something like that.




it's fun not being normal


what is normal
what is fun
it's different from me


normality in this current age
conform or be ostracized
be one of us not them


poke holes in your body
slather on paint and blood
sway your hips to the tune


silence is the rule
noise is the punishment
building a cone


hiding within
smiling without
no one dares to enter




I've been thinking about that thing that my sister said one day, about getting some of my stuff published. *snickers* hehehe I know, miserable, right? Who'd want to read my stuff? Mediocre at best, and dark at that. Who'd want darkness when they need light?

I can't give them light, everytime I try to imagine myself writing poetry that's of a light matter, I freeze up and I can't think of the words.

Oh dear, now I've done it. That's a challenge to myself. Damn, now I have to answer that...!

*sigh*

I've been in front of the computer almost half a day now, I think. Well, considering I've been asleep since morning and only woke up at around 3pm or so...

So I'm in my own quiet zone, it's night, and I can get to write in peace. Then she comes down mumbling about not being able to get to sleep since she went up. I'm like, "Uh-oh, now I'm in for it."

My sister parks herself in front of the TV, surfs around until she catches the Japan Cup 2003 -- cheerleading competition. She watches, comments, asks me to watch whenever an interesting team comes up with a new interpretation to a move. I'm like, right, I'm writing.

And it's bloody difficult enough to write when your attention's being pulled in different directions -- my story, the TV, the other story.

Not to mention uncomfortable when your writing a rather torrid kissing scene for my story Almost. How do you know my sister won't suddenly appear behind me and read what I've put to paper?

I'm thinking of cutting that scene altogether. It's horrible. I can see it but I can't translate it well to paper when I'm being asked to comment about a cheerleading move. I'll just go with the other scene.

*sigh*

Outcast


What Kanji word best suits you?
brought to you by Quizilla

As is usual, it's night and I'm sequestered in front on the computer. Fun. Only it's raining. I saw on the news today that there were three storms coming in. I'm not sure if they'll follow the path to the country but they're there.

Anyways, we have this cat, and she recently gave birth. To how many kittens, I do not know, coz she gave birth in the sort of storage area of the house and I don't know and don't want to know exactly where. So far, I've heard one kitten meowling. The cat wanted to get in the house to get to her kittens, as she got locked out. Actually, she's supposed to stay outside with Shiro but... And now it's raining. Argh. Never mind.

I'm actually looking forward to something. I'm going to get out of the house on Monday. Well, just to basically do some errands and what not, but it's outside! Then there's this celebratory dinner thing (that I hope will push through) that I'm invited at, coz a friend of mine recently passed the med boards. hehehe she's a licensed MD now ^__^;; wonder if she'll push through with her plans of going into surgery? At least that's what I remembered from our conversation long ago, though I think she's considering OB-GYN for some reason.

Numb
Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be


Me really, really like this song right now... inspirational even! And the video's cool as well.

News at the homefront: Not much change, still in a somewhat stalemate. I got to the room and a few minutes later, she follows. I'm like, are you my faithful pet? Sorry but I got Shiro for that. So it's like, no privacy for me ^___^ and I fucking hate it.

But what can I do but grin and bear it. And spend more time in front of the computer at nights, talking to myself and the computer. Which is kinda therapeutic, never mind that when they catch me at it (and laughing my head off sometimes) they probably think I'm bonkers and a prime candidate for a mental institution.

Quite fun ne?

I love my life, so much that I'm taking a line out of Nick Stokes' stalker guy in CSI2. "Will you let me stop your heart, Nick?"

Damn, and Nicky's so cute, well, second to Archie, who's their audio/visual techie guy at the lab. I still don't know that actor's name, but I saw him as one of the prison guards in Jet Li's The One.

hehehe nerdy...

But I've always liked the cool nerdy guys. Just check out Carlos at college. He was cool and a brainiac and real good looking... and had the hots for a younger girl who had a boyfriend in her year level... and who now has a girlfriend ^__^

Story of my life.

It's just so much fun going to Gem's journal -- you get to find all these quizzes, and I have to admit that they are fun.

Hit or miss, it doesn't matter.


You are Edward Scissorhands. Cold, dark and alone.
You have a warm heart, but you're afraid to let
anyone near you for fear of hurting them
(literally. those fucking scissors, man..)


Which Johnny Depp Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Edward Scissorhands... dang, those bloody scissors! Too bad the image'll probably appear as a red X when this comes out.

I just watched Stephen King's Rose Red Part 1. It's about this old mansion in Seattle that's quite haunted. According to what I managed to catch on Unlocking Rose Red (the documentary companion to the TV movie), the TV movie is Stephen King's own interpretation of the actual expedition to the house.

It's fairly interesting and I can't wait to watch the next and last 2 parts of it tomorrow night. What was it that the lead actress said...? Some house are just born bad, or something like that. And then the guy who plays the guy who own the estate replied when asked why he didn't like the house, he said, "The house eats my relatives!"

Funny.

And yet, it did manage to "consume" the college reporter sent there by that petty Professor Miller to get pictures to prove that the expedition's made up of loony people.

Now I normally don't go out of my way to watch scary and suspense movies, but this one was such an interesting "specimen" if you will that I really wanted to watch it. It's a TV movie based on actual events, so that's an added bonus.

I'm more of action and adventure movie, sometimes romantic comedy, sometimes scientific venture kinda gal. Heck, I sat through that expedition of Dr. O'Shea to find the Giant Squid! And they did manage to find some larvae -- after some hits and misses -- though none survived the transit to shore. They did find some other kinds of deep sea squids and they managed to survive all the way to shore, and the plus side of this is that WHEN they manage to get live giant squid larvae they'll know how to take care of it.

Very interesting... I didn't manage to watch it the first time around so I really took the time to watch it this time. Dang, I just remembered that I missed the FBI files at Discovery when I watched Rose Red... though I think I saw that particular case file before.


So now what...?

Do spirals end? Cycles, just by their names suggest that it is a continuous process. But spirals? The way a tornado behaves is like a spiral, like water going down a funnel -- it starts somewhere above and ends below.

I like to think of what I "feel" as a spiraling cycle, from up to down and up and down... well, never mind that. I can't get in the mood to be all philosophical and psychological and moody to explain my moods. For some reason, I'm okay.

Then again, I had this thought induced dream, something that I find myself to be fond of doing. This time though I dreamt that I was a ghost; I could have been dead or in a comatose or something.

One version of this particular dream was that I exchanged souls with someone, and this woman just took over my body and did things for the whole week! That was our deal, she has one week with my body and I get to be a free agent and so whatever I want to do as a spirit. So the first thing I did was go "visit" some of my friends before I headed off to jolly old England. Moaning Myrtle has some competition ^__^

Second version of the dream was that I was either dead or in comatose, in that my spirit left my body and I wandered off to all the places that I wanted to go to -- Egypt, China, Japan, Scotland, Antartica, Ireland, England, South Africa, Croatia... everywhere! And it was fun! To ba able to soar through the air and go where you wish; observing people was the best part! They could be really good and really bad at times.

But that's people for you... reminds me of what Kay said in Men in Black: a person is a rational and intelligent being, people are panicky, mad, a mob if you will. Now, I can't rightly remember the exact wording of it but that was the gist of it.


Dang, I have to research something and I can't rightly remember what it is! I know it's important... but I can't associate it as yet. Damn.

And so we're back at the big stand-off -- who gets to last the longest? It always gets to this point whenever the three of us, or should I say the two of them, stay in a contained area for a long period of time, i.e. the house and about a month.

Can anyone say dysfunction?

Right.

Sandy mentioned something to me in an email a while back, something about there not being a rule that blood relations should get along all the time. I'm finding that I am agreeing with her assessment; it'll be a bloody miracle if we, or they, could stand each other for as long as a year in the same house without having a major fight and blow-up at least once a month.

Take earlier this evening for example. I just had the feeling that something like this would happen. Number one had been pretty quiet about her numerous aches and pains, so I guess that was a tip off for me, since she has a lot of them. Psychosomatic (sp?) is what I say, but what do I know, right? After all, I am the youngest and therefore know nothing about what goes on in anyone's life. Who am I to disabuse them of that little bit of insight?

Anyway, so she went up to the fridge to get some water and all of a sudden just cries out number two's name. I'm like, her we go and I was just thinking of what to do in a situation like this if it occured near me. Lucky for her she was by the fridge and I was by the TV, as I was thinking, if that happened like last time when she shouted at me for no other reason than to release some stress or something, I was going to slug her one, maybe break her nose or jaw or something, but something to keep her quiet.

So number two and I was like, what? And she goes, nothing. Number two asks, what's wrong? In like, a bored voice, coz it was sorta understood that you have to be relaxed and calm when dealing with number one when she's in one of her moods, coz it doesn't help anyone's blood pressure if you all panic. And she goes, nothing, I don't know, so she ups and gets a book from the room and sets back down on the couch and we watch TV.

Good show by the way.

And so there we were, a picture of sibling bliss... NOT!!

Need I tell you then that whatever goes wrong in the house is all MY ruddy fault? The laundry smells funny? Blame ana, she's the one who's let it stay in the hamper and not do the laundry when there was water, and now look at what's happened because of the ruddy water outage. The food spoils? It's her ruddy fault for not putting it inside the fridge.

Okay, so maybe that one's reaching.

You can't clean up the room? It's ana's fault as she won't wake up early. Right... and I stay up late because...?

To lessen the conscious time I spend in your bloody presence! We stay in the same bedroom for crying out loud! I'd like to have some time ALONE with me ALONE! And I get that in the middle of the night! And you've been hogging that time as well for the past few nights! I stay up late, you bloody stay with me in the living room!

Bloody hell, I want ALONE TIME!!

And just like this morning, I wake up and you're still in the room. What the fuck is up with that? You're supposed to be out of the room already so I can at least wake up the way I want/need to, otherwise, see what's happened to me right now. I have a bleeding headache. Hell, too much of your "aura" and I get sick! It doesn't help that you go on and on about your headache.

So number two says, you're like that coz you're not used to staying in the house for this long. Which is true, she's never stayed this long before. Hell, and I just remembered, that's my ruddy fault as well, coz I roped her into watching this horror flick this weekend.

See? Everything is ana's fault. The world will end tomorrow? My fault for not alerting the media of it.

And I just got my body clock to some sort of normal... Let's see... somewhat normal body clock versus less time with them? Hmm, let me think.

Oh geez, that's a no brainer -- less time! I can live with this wonky body clock, heck, I'll survive anemia even.

And so people will probably comment that, you get to have siblings, spend time with them, blah blah blah and all that stuff. You have to get on with your life, do something, blah blah blah and all that stuff.

Sod off. It's my blog. I put in what I want to put in; as the description of this blog goes "The thoughts in my head need releasing..." or something to that effect. This is probably the most honest I can be without going crazy.

You ask me a question, I'll reply as honestly as I could. If I say I'm in a bad mood, I probably am in a bad mood, and it wouldn't help to be all that helpful and insightful and tell me to get off my arse; I'll resent you. Though lucky for you, the resentment won't last that long. I can't hold long grudges -- it takes a lot of energy to remember who did what and why and I'd rather not expend that much.

Though I probably can hold a grudge for a long time IF and WHEN it's a really major thing, like, oh I don't know, you tried to kill me or something like that.

Great fun, eh?


Orlando Bloom really looks hot, though it was quite a shock when I first saw him without the elven get-up. The long blonde locks were great but as the son of a pirate, he rocks.

And Johnny Depp was brilliant as Captain Jack Sparrow, so funny and brilliant.

As Orlando Bloom said in an interview, Pirates was and is a feel good movie, and you (hopefully) go out of the theater feeling all bubbly and energetic afterwards. It's a happy movie and I didn't mind the romantic angle at the least. It all sort of tied the ending together, coz what's a swashbuckling adventure pirate film without getting the girl?

okay... hope this works *crosses fingers* coz it looked so nice when I edited this...

Hah! It's definitely better now, but I'll probably tinker with it again... I just love the shade of blue that I used previously, and the one in ACIDER of course.

Maybe another day then.

Oh crud... now what's wrong...?

Oh my God...! *mad laughter* That was... peculiarly enough, weird and satisfying at the same time.

I just read through some, i.e. those that I've managed to save in a disk, of my Philosophy and Theology papers from college. Damn, did I write those? It was great fun reading them, especially the one for my Philosophy of Religion class. *snickers* wonder what grade I got for that? For that matter, did I even turn it in? I knew I was writing a paper for that class that I didn't want to turn in but I don't know if that was the one.

Oh well, as long as I turned one in and I passed the bloody course.

I'll put them up in the site once I manage to "clean" them up a bit.



*mad laughter*

It is just sooo good!! I watched Lara Croft: The Cradle of Life and Pirates of the Carribean: Legend of the Black Pearl back to back!

Well, alright, so I borrowed the VCD from the other house. Tomb Raider was poorly copied but Pirates was well enough.

hehehe Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp in one movie, I could swoon!!


Dang, I'm only just getting into these quiz things... It's fun. Sometimes it's head-on, sometimes you need a radar to get it on track.

Pretty funny.

It's sometimes difficult to answer the quizzes as I sometimes am of two minds on some things, and then I feel like a total personality change comes in when I feel like it.

Depends really...


Aesthete


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh well...

Just for the heck of it...


You should be dating a Cancer.
21 June - 22 July
This mate is protective, kind and compassionate.
Though this crab can often be possessive, moody
or crabby, he or she is strongly attached to
his/her sexual partner.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla


So... anybody know anybody matching with this results? hehehe ^__^;;

A Cancer...? Do I even know anyone who's a Cancer? ...Don't think so...

Argh, just smile and bear it, that's the philosophy I live by nowadays. And damn, but even my thoughts leading to dreams are so dark...! Must be affected by the recent pattern of movies I'm watching and planning to watch on cable.

Rose Red is definitely something that I want to see. It's a Stephen King. 'Nuff said.

wow, 26 new email messages. Heck, I haven't been able to check my email, i.e. go online, for such a long time now coz I was managing to fall asleep like at midnight or some minutes past it -- which is a bloody improvement!

I'm only doing this now at this time coz I managed to get a quick nap in when the power went out. And about that, I know I should be feeling sorry and all that for what's happening in NE USA (NYC among them) considering that in NYC the last time they had a power outage was like 30 something years ago, but... ergh, get over it? It's a technical problem; everything should be back to normal a lot faster than it gets here when there's a major power outage.

Oh yeah, something that managed to wake me up sufficiently to be able to write it down.

The day I die is the day I live
The day I live is the day I die
So in the now and in between
All that I can do is breathe
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathing is the basis of life
Existing is all that I can do
Until such time that I can die
Until such time that I'll live
Breathe in, breathe out.

Now, before you get all that "out with angst, in with productivity" banners and what-not, let me tell you the context of this... poem, if you will.

I was halfway between consciousness and sleep, so it's safe to say that I'm possibly in the dream state. I was sitting down on one of those computer desk chairs facing a glass wall window. There was a large desk behind me and a few people on the other side of the desk, presumably talking with me.

Well, alright, so we were having some sort of conference (about what, I have no idea) and this "poem" just came out of my mouth. Then I turned to them and asked, "So what do you people think?"


Alone time is good to get your thoughts in order...

This ought to be interesting...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Followed by...


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test



Great fun, ne?