I'm not posting what I just wrote. Not right now, no, but maybe later when I remember to. For one thing, it's wimpy as hell, and I don't like being wimpy without a very concrete, realistic, logical reason behind it.

For another, it sounded like a goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I think "goodbye" gets on everyone's mind once in their lives. In my case, it's many times in a month, but who's counting right?

Don't worry, I'll post it here, and let it be, one of these days.

When I'm ready to say goodbye.

Hey, who knows, it might be tomorrow or next week? Heck even before my birthday would be a great day to say goodbye. During my birthday? A definite possibility but the time frame's not too good; it doesn't agree with my schedule of things.

Let's see in a few years or so, maybe then my birthday could be my hello and goodbye. That'll be a real treat to other people, ne? Only one day to celebrate.


Shit, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed... maybe if I repeat that a few more times, I'll get over this and just go.

Depression has been my friend for all of my sentient years. It's always been there, always by my side.

Choices have to be made, and I will make them when they are ready to be made. But that time is not now. The time will come, when it will be done.


Damn

I hate it when I get all depressed and dark and moody... Nothing goes well for me then, and then I get pissed off and angry and, you know that feeling when you just want to scream and hack everything you see in front of you into pieces? that one too.

You seeing a pattern?

I'm not happy.


And bloody hell, my readers are pitying me right now.

Screw you.

I'm doing this for myself, not for you. If you can look through my old journals, which, come to think of it, I have no idea where they are, but anyway... When was the last time I had an entry that didn't have depressing or moody or *ahem* murderous *ahem* thoughts in them? When was the entry that I was happy?

None.

I don't recall any happy moments, off the top of my head right now when I'm just climbing out of my depressing little abode. It don't record happy moments too well, ne? Maybe because they're never that interesting and not at all angsty, so why bother right? They're supposed to be there for you forever.

Maybe I don't want to be happy?

Geez, I'm going all introspective right now. Maybe it's the late hour and the fact that I'm going in ups and downs right now -- call it hormones, call it the moon, call it whatever -- but there it is.

I'm kinda reminded of something an old friend told me once, about what she did once when there was a full moon. She went to their doorway, sat in her haunches, and howled at the moon. Pretty much what that dog outside my house is doing right now.

Her parents and siblings were like, What the heck are you doing? And all she did was grin at them. She told me then that she felt like doing it so she did.

I salute her for that.

Me, I want to do things, but I can't. Constraints, whatever but I can't.

Like last full moon. Heck, I wanted to just stay outside all night and look at the skies. It'd be better if I could have stayed up on the roof -- clearer view of the sky -- but I didn't. I could tell you that I was called in, that I wanted to watch television too and the lure of technology won, but... Both are true of course, but not entirely. I really wanted to stay outside, because then I could see the moon and think.

I just thought of it, but what if they thought I'd jump off the roof? Like I'd do that; all I'm ever going to get for that trouble is a broken bone, bones if I'm lucky, and heck, I'm lucky, right?

There's just something about the moon -- full moon, quarter, half, whatever, as long as the sky is clear and I can see the stars as well -- that makes me just want to stare at it. It's calming, peaceful... like every problem I have has a solution and that I can find it.

Maybe that's why I like Remus so much. Remus Lupin + full moon = werewolf. It ain't gonna get much closer than that.

I need to let off some of the depression. So how can I be depressed? I don't know. I'm just is. Come to think of it, the times I'm with other people, especially the times I'm with other people... heck, they might or might not have noticed it, but I withdraw from them no matter how much it seems that I'm part of the group. But there's your fundamental problem -- I've never felt part of a group.

Hell, maybe this is a cry for help, but damn if I'm going to admit it.

And the shrink goes, the only time you can be healed is when you admit your failings; only then can the healing process begin.


This is one of those times that I need a happy fix. Gotta open up those files... but not yet, ne? Not yet... I'm... enjoying, the depression, for some reason.

I like it.