It's so bloody hot this time of the year! I can't bloody sleep! Before, I always close my windows at night because I didn't want to get cold, but nowadays, I can't sleep without the windows open. I don't bloody care about the numerous insects that could come inside my room - as there are a number of plants outside my windows - I just want the night air to come in and cool me off.

As another way to cool off, I find it refreshing to use ice cubes on my face and neck; they really do the job of releasing the heat. After that, I don't feel as sticky.

That and taking a shower about 3 times a day. So, alright, I haven't done that, yet, but it sure is becoming quite a, attractive option. Wonder if my clothes will last though. I only have a few items of clothes, not a full closet even, and I'm sharing closet space with my bitch of a sister.

Okay, change topic before I ruin this wonderful mood of mine.

Wait, though, it's not like my moods have to depend on her. I'll just have to ignore her and get on with my life.

Right, excellent notion.


So... hmm... was thinking... I do want to work, right? And I want to get on with my Graduate Studies, right? So I was thinking, either I find a school in Japan, or, Great Britain.

Australia just doesn't work for me, and the U.S. of A? No thanks.

Wonder which school has a good Linguistics program? Though I'll take any Study program they have that I find interesting. Which shouldn't be too hard as I find almost everything interesting.


Oh cool, no Daniel Alan Radcliffe yet.


So back to what I was thinking about. I find everything interesting, I guess that's why some people call me the Jill of all trades. I know a little bit of everything. Maybe that's why I'm finding it difficult to specialize on something specific. But I have to, as that's the only way to get by in this world these days. Specialization is the way to go.

What do I want to specialize in anyway?

Maybe scriptwriting? Directing, producing, I don't want to contemplate on that, as I don't think I can translate my vision into concrete words and actions... as yet... Anything on the arts, as long as it's not in front of the audience. Even if it's an audience of one, I get stage fright. Not to say I haven't acted before. I've been in a number of small class productions (note that it's not school productions, which I have been involved in but as part of the Fine Arts Club making and moving the props) - roles I've been in usually involve being the queen or the mother role. I've danced too, before, did I mention that? But no formal lessons, just group presentations.

It was fun. I miss performing sometimes, but not too much as to actively search for the chance. I don't want to make an ass of myself, you know.

Study... nah... I'm good at it. I'm a good student.

Criminology? Too much prejudice for female officers; it's like all they're good for is behind the desk and do the secretarial work. This society is too patriarchal still.

And some quarters will now say that "change comes from the inside, join the institution and change the perspective from within" or something like that. Yeah. *sarcastic look* You do it then, let's see how you'll fare on that endeavor.

Artist, painter, sketch artist? I've had one summer of lessons, and my teacher and I didn't see eye to eye on some music video so I left. Alright, so it sounds shallow, but it's the principle of the thing! Crud, I'll shut up about it then.

Teacher? Ugh, no thanks.

Nurse? Bloody hell no.

I guess this calls for a good ole fashioned in-depth self-analysis. Wonder how much a session with a shrink costs, and if I'll be indifferent to this one as well.

Self-help books are no good coz I have an allergic reaction to them.

So what else is there?

Hard sciences, natural sciences, no can do as I only have a spare background on just Chemistry no less and I hated that subject. And to think I was quite good in the hard sciences in high school...

Business? No head for it, numbers are just way too... Oh hell... Math used to be a good subject for me, but there's just something about complex numbers that blacks out my mind. I don't think I'll make for a good businesswoman as I'd rather not deal with the business, i.e. accounting, bookkeeping, and all that.

Employee? Where?


Okay, enough about that.

I just got an original VCD copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets! I would have gotten the DVD one but I don't have a DVD player, as yet. There were a number of features there that I wanted to see, including that one of the Malfoys in the Knockturn Alley shop. Anyway, I still have to negotiate for a DVD player, and save for the DVD copies of the two Harry Potter movies.

And I also got a calendar. Didn't I tell you I'd get one? I found out there were two kinds of calendars, but I bought the one with Dumbledore other than the one with Snape. Also, I found Harry's picture of catching the Snitch a lot better than the one of him dodging the Bludger. Not to say he didn't look good in both of the pictures, but well...


So what else have I been up to? I celebrated my birthday, so that was fun. Don't ask my age, and as Angelica so memorably said one time, "If you have to ask, you'll never know," or something along those lines. Suffice it to say that I don't feel my age, but you already knew that.


I think I feel my interest in Daniel Radcliffe waning a bit. Which is kinda good news... of a sort...


Linkin Park
Papercut

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed / but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me / right beneath my skin
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I’ve got a face in me
points out all the mistakes to me
You’ve got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia’s probably worse
I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can’t add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close their eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin

It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin

the face inside is right beneath my skin
the face inside is right beneath my skin
the face inside is right beneath my skin

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

The sun
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I feel the light betray me

The sun
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
I feel the light betray me
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within

Oh my God...!

He is absolutely sooo CUTE!!

He had these chubby little cheeks, and the smile...! So adorably innocently mischievous like you wouldn't believe!

And how he has grown...!

Well, okay so he's still cute, in the gorgeously attractive handsome with the killer smile sort of way...

Geez, here I am going on about a boy who's what? several years my junior? hehehe ^__^;;

Just goes to show you that there is a severe lack of guys my age who are worthy of being looked at, admired, and well, lusted after.

But of course, there's always Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp to fill the gap, though I prefer Depp to Pitt because, well... I've been seeing Depp on both the small and big screens a lot longer than Pitt. As much as I love his portrayal of Louie in Interview with a Vampire, I just can't get it out of my head that Pitt's a pretty boy. While Depp... he started out as a pretty boy; I remember him from the series 21 Jump Street. I especially liked his portrayal of Crane in Sleepy Hollow, and that grungy gypsy in Chocolat. Lovely characters, great portrayal.

Well, so I haven't actually been going out of my way to watch movies...

Wonder what'll happen if Jet Li and Jacky Chan fought each other in a movie? Throw in Marc Dacascos, Michelle Yeoh, and a host of other martial art practitioners in the mix... And you get what I'd call my dream movie.

Honestly, there's just something about Hong Kong style movies that make me happy.

You'll notice that I didn't put Zhang Zi Yi up there, coz she isn't exactly a martial arts practitioner; she's an actress who trained long hours probably with countless bruises too (but what do I know?) to achieve that look of an experienced martial artist. That was mentioned in an interview I saw for Hero.

Oh yeah, the actor who played Sky would be a really addition to that dream cast.

They can do some Shaolin thing again, but that got kinda used up before when a lot of Shaolin movies cropped up. Maybe a modern take on it...?

Triad again? Ugh, give those guys a rest already.

As long as it has a lot of spectacular fight scenes,I'll be happy.

See? I can post an entry without (much) mention of my recent obsession, namely Daniel Radcliffe.

Just as an aside, I'm using up my Net access a lot faster these days...

I can not believe I went for four hours straight the other night, and now, I think I've used up my account already. I have to get a new one coz, well, there's this new site I've been recently visiting and there are a lot of downloadable stuff that are really, really great.

Three guesses on what it's about ^__~

Didn't say I wasn't obsessed, right?

I think this'll clear up in some time... soon... like right after the last movie of the series starring him is shot... oh alright, probably after Daniel Alan Radcliffe stars in the last Harry Potter that he can do, since he said it takes about 11 months to film a movie and he isn't exactly going to look the same coz he could literally grow out of the role and he's turning 14 this year and Prisoner of Azkaban's set to be released next year so unless they already have a script ready for the Goblet of Fire movie they can't really start filming right away, ne?

Whoa... try saying that all in one breath... Have to speak fast, really.

June 21 can't come soon enough. There's even a countdown timer at the Leaky Cauldron to the release date of the Order of the Phoenix, just sixty something days left and counting.

Then there's book 6, movie 4, book 7, movie 5, movie 6, movie 7...

Man, they're gonna run the cast ragged if they do the marathon type thing that I hope they'll not do just for putting out Harry Potter movies.

Enough.


Wonder what I'll do for the rest of the day? Did I mention that I haven't been to sleep yet? Honestly, I think I'm starting to become a vampire! I'm asleep in the morning (most days anyway) and I stay awake at night.

Killer headaches aside, I feel more alive at night.

Ah well, as Kysra did say, we are both night creatures. I remember when we were talking about our weird sleeping patterns -- we both stay up until the wee hours of the morning and then zonk out when the sun hits high on the horizon. Or something like that.

Ne, Kysra (I dare not use your real name here, dear, coz I know another of the same name, and he's a guy. Don't know if he's ever come by here -- and I can't rightly think of a reason for him to visit my blog but what the heck, right?) Damn, what was I suppose to say? Oh yeah, right, if you'r ever reading this, I know those weren't the exact same words we used when we talked but I got overly... literary ^__^; Blame it on no sleep yet.

Oh yeah, and I saw this pic of Tom Felton *mad grin* he is so suddenly deliciously evil. I know it was probably taken around the Chamber of Secrets, but man, these kids grow up fast!

I want my Chamber of Secrets CD!! Therefore, I have to go out and buy it.

Wah!! I'm spending!!

Crud.

What else can I say but... hell yeah!!

Not that I don't appreciate what she's doing for me, but as I told my friend before, if I feel like I'm forced to do something or be someone other than what and who I am, I do as purposely bad as I can possibly be. I'm just like that. Make me into something else and I'll be something else different that from what you want me to be.

Anyway... I want to go into Linguistics. It's always been there at the back of my mind, but language is quite fascinating. All those co-relations and the ways an ancient language develops into its modern version... fascinating! I'm reading the introduction to my Lexicon Encyclopedic Dictionary and it discusses how Modern English came to be. Though I don't envy the Celts... Gaelic seem such a wonderful language and it's good that there's an effort to revive it.

I was just listening to some Asian languages before, and I just realized that I've never really heard Vietnamese and Laotian.

Though in the field of study, I much prefer the study of the Germanic languages and it's close relatives. Though characters can be fun as well... What about Cyrillic?


Something really bad happened to me some days ago... well, not bad in the physically and emotionally way. I lost some files in the hard drive. Pathetic, ne? But it got me thinking, what'll happen to the rest of my files if I defrag again? So I'm thinking that I better print out all the pics I got of Daniel Radcliffe before the computer decides to chuck them all out the proverbial window.

There...! Hah!

Daniel Radcliffe. No problem at all.

God, he's gorgeous!

I just received an email from a friend from college. Honestly, I consider her one of my best friends. The only problem with us is that she now lives in another country -- she moved after she graduated from College while I stayed behind to finish school -- and we haven't been that good communicators lately.

Anyway, she just told me such good news! She's been married for a little over a year and she now has a healthy baby boy! She gave birth just last month!

Oh my God... I was so surprised and pleased to hear that! Actually I'm rather more pleased that she wrote back. I wrote her feeling kinda depressed and I hope I didn't kinda infect her with it. Wonder who her husband is though. She hadn't said anything though. She also sent me pics of her son but unfortunately, they didn't load.

It was great "hearing" from her again; it's been such a long time. I kinda miss the days when we were still in school and preparing for exams... But those days are over. Fun they were, but we all have to move on, ne?


So, off in another tangent... I just said NO.

Yes folks, I have just an email to my "sponsor" and I said thanks but no thanks, I am not taking up Nursing. So there.


Ah yes... another friend just emailed me. This time she's the one with the major problem. I only hope that it'll get settled soon because I don't think she's very happy right now. That's an understatement.

'Tis a wonderful world we live in today. Fighting here and there and everywhere... A killer disease on the loose with no cure yet...

I can't wait...!

I hesitate to write what I want to write for fear of reprisal from whoever will read.

I just thought it - American English is British English slang. Think about it. There might be slang words in the British vocabulary but the delivery of it much differs with delivery of American English slang. Anyway, British English is so much proper, in my opinion, a lot more fun to speak.

Gotta practice the accent first though.

That, and I'm used to using American English whenever I think and write. Reminds me of this one instance in high school. I had such a hard time in one subject coz I'd be translating from one language to another even when thinking up ideas for papers and stuff.

Were we the class that made that particular teacher cry?

Not sure anymore.

So...

Wonder how it'll be though... Fun, I suppose... Not without repercussions, and it'll definitely be SOME kind of repercussions...

Absolutely adorable.

Happy, I hope... Tears, definitely... Despair, probably... Hopelessness, kinda, maybe, hope not...

Just goes to show that, indeed, I do care about what other people think. Which I shouldn't because what do they know about me and my life, right?

Not to say that I haven't been censured enough. If you have friends who do that to you with impunity, who needs other people? And they do. I suppose it was alright at first, because it was just a big joke - like my life isn't already a joke. There's some truth in all of it, I suppose, but after that, it just got harder and harder to put up a wall and take it all with a grain of salt.

My recourse? Typically, ignore and not mind. Brilliant, ne?

So to whom will I turn when I find myself in a similar situation that my friends found so funny, and... I hesitate to say unacceptable because that's not the word I'm looking for... inappropriate, I think is better...?

To whom?

No one.

Buck up and bear it in all your lonesome that's what it is.

But then, what do I know, right? I haven't lived.

"Wolves are my favorite animals because they're cute but really dangerous as well." Direct quote.

Escapism, that's the word I'm looking for. It's wonderful to just slip away, ne? To forget about your life, your troubles, your problems, the screeching neighbor, if only for a while. Just to get a proper perspective on everything, and then deal with the situation.

Well, it's not I deal with the situation; if I did, I'd probably be in Grad School by now, having gone on a different path than was laid out for me. As it is, I went with the flow and look where it's gotten me?

Nowhere, absolutely nowhere.


Argh! My teeth hurt! Damn it! While the idea of braces seem appealing at one point, I just can't handle that right now. Damn it! It hurts!

Bloody hell!

And my contacts are starting to annoy me. I'm thinking of going back to wearing glasses, but as contacts are way more convenient... yeah well...


Where the hell am I getting all these thoughts in my head anyway? Maybe it's the fact that more often than not, I write my blog entries at night when there's no one who can attempt to read over my shoulder. Maybe it's just because my birthday's coming up and I'm reminded of that promise I made to myself a year ago I think -- the goodbye promise sort of thing in a few years time. Maybe I'm just getting too bloody, damned sentimental, but heck I've never said I was or wasn't, have I? I can't remember.

Wai!!

So happy!!

Now that was different...

Anyway, reason: well, kinda simple if you know what's been happening to me the past few, uhm.. weeks, I guess.

Oh well, what else can make me squeal like a 12-year-old girl? Only one guy right now, and that's Harry Potter.

^_____^

I found a site that's absolutely wonderful: www.the-leaky-cauldron.org

I know, I know, it's been up for like forever and it's only now that I found it. So what? I've been busy with Harry Potter fanfics. Did I mention that I'm absolutely for the Harry/Hermione pairing?


Wai! And I just saw Daniel on TV!!

Alright, I'm getting pathetic.

What the heck do you care right? I can be as pathetic as a 12-year-old as I want, so there! :P

hehehe

I am so completely hopeless sometimes. It's not that weird, actually. I've always been like that, I think... though I've never been this rabid over any of the animé characters that I've liked over the years.


So anyway, I think I just made a bit of a fib. ^__~ I sent an email to my "sponsor" about my not being able to go for the interview, that they're quite busy. So I said I'll go next week, as they did say I have the fortnight.


Oh man, I just remembered that Harry Potter calendar that I saw last January I think. Man, it was so... ugh! I could have bought it but I didn't have enough money for it. Damn, and I just remembered that! I think I'll look for it again, and it doesn't matter that it's already April. It's not like I'll be actually using it to tell the days and months of the year... more of, I'll probably be staring at the pictures most of the time ^__^

Daniel Radcliffe is just sooo hot!!

The Phelps twins aren't so bad either. I hope the actor who'll play Bill Weasley will do justice to the character.


Anyway, to get away from the subject of Harry Potter...

But how can I when I sleep with the four books next to me in bed?

Argh! Change directions...


Oh my God...! Okay, so I'm not going to be changing topics for a while but only because I'm watching Daniel Radcliffe on TV right now!! YAY!! hehehe I stayed up late for this, so I might as well enjoy every minute of it. I forgot to ask my brother to set up the VCR to record the show but that's alright; I have new pictures of Harry/Daniel anyway so I can make up some more pictures!

Crud, I really am behaving in a rather not like my age kind of thing, ain't I? But that's alright as well.

I've actually been trying to give myself a diagnosis as a psychologist would, but as I'm not trained in that field, it can be a bit off, though as I'm the one doing it and I know myself as well as I possibly can... I might hit on things.

So... basically, I want my childhood back. That's all there is to it. I don't feel as if I've been through my teenage years as well as I should have. Considering how it went... well, let's just say it didn't go as well as it should. For example, imagine having your so-called friends turn on you just so they could suck up to your teachers. Cool ne?

Anyway, before I get too homicidal -- the shrink would probably say that it's better over-all for me to forgive and forget, and I don't deny that that's tons better, sometimes I don't want to forgive and forget coz I can't forget. Forgive maybe, heck, I can relate with them in a very civil manner and I could probably pretend to be "Oh my goodness, so nice to see you after all these years!" yeah, that kind.

I much prefer my high school friends than my grade school friends. Not to say that I don't have a best friend from grade school...

The heck happened that I was talking about seeing Daniel on TV to my grade school friends?!

Anyway... grade school best friend... we only actually went to the same school during 2nd and 3rd grades. She was a transferee and I remember some of our classmates and batchmates were trying to bait us into fighting. Considering that we were in different classes, it was kinda to spread rumors but difficult to have us face off, as it were. Then we became classmates in 3rd grade.

Damn but Daniel Radcliffe is so hot!! The accent!! The face!! Did I mention that he can grow up to be real heartthrob? And he wants to be a writer or a director in the future, not just an actor!

I think Daniel, Rupert, and Emma were all nervous in that TV spot I'm watching. Nervous, but excited and rather pleased as well.

Oh geez, now I gotta look for "The Tailor of Panama" to get a glimpse of Daniel; he plays the son of Geoffrey Rush in the movie.

Back to the ruminations... She left before 3rd grade was over to go to another country, but we write each other rather regularly. We used to snail mail a lot; I'd tell her what's happening with me, she'd fill me in on news with her... that sort of stuff. We email now, and she's coming for a visit in a month's time so...

I could stare at Daniel for a long, long, long time...

I don't think I've formed that much of a lasting connection with my other grade school classmates. I don't call them friends, coz they aren't.

High school's different, but I also gotta think, what if I'd gone to the other school? I also had a scholarship there. I'd probably have different priorities in life; the school was much farther away and necessated a dormitory. Wouldn't that have been fun? And that wasn't a sarcastic tone, it was more of... wistful.

If I had done that one thing different, everything probably'd be different. I'd be different. That's kinda scary but at the same time... damn, what if ne?

So happy thoughts...

Daniel Radcliffe, yup, definitely happy thought.

And I used to be fairly normal... *sigh*

I'm not posting what I just wrote. Not right now, no, but maybe later when I remember to. For one thing, it's wimpy as hell, and I don't like being wimpy without a very concrete, realistic, logical reason behind it.

For another, it sounded like a goodbye. Don't get me wrong, I think "goodbye" gets on everyone's mind once in their lives. In my case, it's many times in a month, but who's counting right?

Don't worry, I'll post it here, and let it be, one of these days.

When I'm ready to say goodbye.

Hey, who knows, it might be tomorrow or next week? Heck even before my birthday would be a great day to say goodbye. During my birthday? A definite possibility but the time frame's not too good; it doesn't agree with my schedule of things.

Let's see in a few years or so, maybe then my birthday could be my hello and goodbye. That'll be a real treat to other people, ne? Only one day to celebrate.


Shit, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed, I am not getting depressed... maybe if I repeat that a few more times, I'll get over this and just go.

Depression has been my friend for all of my sentient years. It's always been there, always by my side.

Choices have to be made, and I will make them when they are ready to be made. But that time is not now. The time will come, when it will be done.


Damn

I hate it when I get all depressed and dark and moody... Nothing goes well for me then, and then I get pissed off and angry and, you know that feeling when you just want to scream and hack everything you see in front of you into pieces? that one too.

You seeing a pattern?

I'm not happy.


And bloody hell, my readers are pitying me right now.

Screw you.

I'm doing this for myself, not for you. If you can look through my old journals, which, come to think of it, I have no idea where they are, but anyway... When was the last time I had an entry that didn't have depressing or moody or *ahem* murderous *ahem* thoughts in them? When was the entry that I was happy?

None.

I don't recall any happy moments, off the top of my head right now when I'm just climbing out of my depressing little abode. It don't record happy moments too well, ne? Maybe because they're never that interesting and not at all angsty, so why bother right? They're supposed to be there for you forever.

Maybe I don't want to be happy?

Geez, I'm going all introspective right now. Maybe it's the late hour and the fact that I'm going in ups and downs right now -- call it hormones, call it the moon, call it whatever -- but there it is.

I'm kinda reminded of something an old friend told me once, about what she did once when there was a full moon. She went to their doorway, sat in her haunches, and howled at the moon. Pretty much what that dog outside my house is doing right now.

Her parents and siblings were like, What the heck are you doing? And all she did was grin at them. She told me then that she felt like doing it so she did.

I salute her for that.

Me, I want to do things, but I can't. Constraints, whatever but I can't.

Like last full moon. Heck, I wanted to just stay outside all night and look at the skies. It'd be better if I could have stayed up on the roof -- clearer view of the sky -- but I didn't. I could tell you that I was called in, that I wanted to watch television too and the lure of technology won, but... Both are true of course, but not entirely. I really wanted to stay outside, because then I could see the moon and think.

I just thought of it, but what if they thought I'd jump off the roof? Like I'd do that; all I'm ever going to get for that trouble is a broken bone, bones if I'm lucky, and heck, I'm lucky, right?

There's just something about the moon -- full moon, quarter, half, whatever, as long as the sky is clear and I can see the stars as well -- that makes me just want to stare at it. It's calming, peaceful... like every problem I have has a solution and that I can find it.

Maybe that's why I like Remus so much. Remus Lupin + full moon = werewolf. It ain't gonna get much closer than that.

I need to let off some of the depression. So how can I be depressed? I don't know. I'm just is. Come to think of it, the times I'm with other people, especially the times I'm with other people... heck, they might or might not have noticed it, but I withdraw from them no matter how much it seems that I'm part of the group. But there's your fundamental problem -- I've never felt part of a group.

Hell, maybe this is a cry for help, but damn if I'm going to admit it.

And the shrink goes, the only time you can be healed is when you admit your failings; only then can the healing process begin.


This is one of those times that I need a happy fix. Gotta open up those files... but not yet, ne? Not yet... I'm... enjoying, the depression, for some reason.

I like it.

hehehe

You have got to realize that I write what comes to my head, so I don't actually "edit" what I write. I don't go back to what I've written before and add or subtract anything. Everything and anything just kinda flows through naturally.

So am I in a homicidal mood right now?

Not too much, though I did have a very clear vision of what I would like to do to someone. Very visual, very real, as it were. I never did realize how... gratifying it is to eliminate the source of your problems... Even if it's just a sort of vision thing.


Osaka Gaidai really sounds like a good plan right now... Damn, but I need ideas.

Geisha... okay, got a distinct possibility, but as Osaka Gaidai is a Linguistic kind of institution... you get the picture.

Damn.


Oh yeah, I was re-reading what I wrote before... I have just come to that bloody conclusion. This is my own bloody space in the Net. People can come and read of my thoughts, yes. Heck, I might publish one of my stories here! But that's not the point. The point is, as my friend who's in twinflamemddomain.blogspot.com (hehehe see how I can sneak that in?) said, this blog is my space, so I can do just about anything here.

Anything within reason, and I do believe that cursing is within reason as it can release some of the tension within.

Bloody hell, I forgot what I was supposed to write next in conjunction to that above...! Hell.


Anyway, I just got to thinking about that SARS thing -- Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome -- or something to that effect. I heard from someone that it's actually now the C-something-virus Pneumonia. Damn, I can't believe I forgot the name, and I was so happy since they now know the virus so they could find the cure right?

So anyway, everytime that someone sneezes in this house, I automatically go for my shirt and cover my nose. I don't bloody want to catch ANY virus. Damn, but if I catch that C-virus thingamajig...

eew. I gotta stay in a hospital. Sick people. Disinfectant. Airborne viruses. Death.

hehehe *sweatdrop* Eew.


Osaka Gaidai...


Oh yeah, now I remember.

If you, yes, anyone of you who happen to pass by and read this blog of mine, if you can't deal with what I'm writing, then get the hell out. There are other blogs you can read. Vamoose! Shoo!

I just have to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, and not for anyone else. I'm writing down my thoughts because, as I think one of the school shrinks said, it's a kind of cleansing for the mind and body. Get rid of the toxins and you can get healthy right?

Okay, so I'm doing this for me. I don't bloody care what you readers bloody think.

And she said if I wanted I could add a tag board so this could be interactive. At first, I was like, okay, how do I put that in?

But now, my thinking is, why the hell do I want to put that tag board in? Do I really want this blog to be interactive? Honestly, not too much. Do you want other people to read your journal and then comment?

It's like the same for me when I write stories. Sure I submit stories at fanfiction.net, heck, I'm planning on submitting Illusion at fictionpress.net (darn, is that the right URL?). I may put in the notes that I want my readers to review, but I don't put in that reviewing is a prerequisite for me to add another chapter. It's a good feeling when I see that I have reviewers, especially when they tell me they like what they're reading and all that; but I don't necessarily *crave* for reviews. I write when I want, what I want, how I want...

If anyone would like to comment on what I've written, there's a link at the top of the page [contact] and my email address is there. Heck, if you're too lazy to point your mouse to see what my address is, here it is: ana_barton@yahoo.com

Damn, but I'm just making this easy on you, ne?


Oh man... I just remembered. I'm remembering a lot of stuff today, ne?

Anyway, I finished a Harry Potter fanfic! As with my first ever published fanfic, it's a songfic. The song? Out of my League by Stephen Speaks. hehehe It was quite funny, how it came about. I'm all for the Harry/Hermione pairing so I have some stories in my hard drive that I just read again and again, especially when I need my happy fix.

Okay so I'm a sucker for the romance, but can you blame me when akscully writes it so well?! I'm not sure if akscully is a male or a female though. Nevermind that. Just bear in mind that its been a long time since I actually enjoyed and had fun reading stories.

So anyway, about my story. I was re-reading Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban and the song came on the radio. I was like, that'll be so perfect for a story! So I was semi-frantic when I searched my files, since I kinda remembered that I have a copy of the song. And there it was, and I was off, writing the story.

Did I mention that I just adore Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter? I know he's been in other films before -- I think I saw that one on Copperfield, but I'm not too sure -- but he'll be more recognizable now as Harry Potter. Makes me wanna look for his other films so I can see how he's grown up so far.

See? There's an addition to my birthday wish list already! Well, several additions... VCDs of Daniel Radcliffe's past movies, Harry Potter pillows and other merchandise.

I'm not seeing myself getting out of my Harry Potter addiction any time soon. Unless I suddenly develop an interest in something else.

Right, Osaka Gaidai...

ARGH!! I need to think...!


Seriousness has never sat well with me. The times I try to be serious, I crack up. Because I know that's not how I am.

I'm not serious.

Well, serious about some things but not serious serious -- no fun, no smile -- that kind of thing. I'm not that serious serious.

See, I really think I haven't matured that well as yet. Sometimes I feel like a twelve year old, never my age. It's too tedious to be my age, but what can I do but try? And get depressed in the process coz I can't.

Hell.


Wouldn't it be nice if I could just close my eyes and drift off to my own reality and never come back to this one? *sigh* That'll be just like heaven. No worries, no nothing...

Comatose, yeah, but so what? Lose weight too.

Reminds me of this Buffy episode I just watched. Oh yeah, it's kinda funny that Saint had a dream about Angel when she has said that she doesn't follow that series, and here I am an avid Buffy and Angel follower and neither has even graced my dreams with their presence.

I did have a vampire dream before... Let's see... I know I wrote it down somewhere, but it goes something like, there's a Changing Ceremony going on in my own house -- vampires changing people into bloodsuckers like them. And the head vampire honcho was doing it. I was next in line, and the vampire had just drank half of my blood when the Slayers came -- the usual Vampire Slayers, not Buffy thought -- and he had the door to the room where the ceremony was taking place in locked.

He hurriedly drank the rest of my blood and had me drink his blood so the change could take place. There are some details here that were supposed to be interesting but I can't remember it right now and I'm too lazy to look for my written copy among my things so there.

But the slayers were knocking down the door and then they were there. My Sire -- coz that's how the "parents" of vampires are called -- pushed me away, out of the room and he took on the slayers by himself. I'm so weak, coz the change is just happening; it's not instant, you know. But the othe vampires come get me and we escape, leaving our Sire.

Groggy but alive.


Moonchild.

Oh bloody double damnation...

I forgot to watch Moonchild when it was shown! I didn't eat dinner that night, so I was just shut up in my room, writing and reading and stuff, and I completely forgot about it! Damn I hate myself!

And Gackt looked so delicious in that movie! Hyde too! Two absolutely "pretty" delicious bishounen in one movie and I didn't watch! How stupid is that?!

So now I have to add to my birthday wish list, a VCD of the Moonchild movie, subtitled of course.

Now I put in my reminder that Oprah episode when that cast of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret is on. Can't be too careful; don't wanna miss Daniel Radcliffe's TV guesting, though I'm not too sure if he's there since when the trailer showed, I only saw Emma Watson and Rupert Grint.


Just had dinner.

It must be a pretty lonely existence, when no one wants you around. Nobody called her for dinner, but it was dinnertime and my other siblings and I went to the table and she just kept on reading. Whose fault is that? And she made a snack earlier, don't know if she ate it or not or if she made it for me or what. What is this woo the baby?

I don't talk to her that much nowadays; I much prefer to solitude of my room and my books. I don't come down to the main living area as well, if my other siblings aren't there. I don't make conversation with her, and her attempts at conversation with me were usually answered with monosyllables.

Maybe Feifu's been rubbing off on me, but there are some twinges of guilt going on.

Hell, me? Guilt feelings? Blegh...

Hell on the image.

Scrap that.


And another thing. I sometimes find myself close to uttering Carlos's name -- the first syllable's usually out -- just when I'm about to wake up? Gods, think I'm obssessed with him?

Oh crud, does he know about my blog? Think, I haven't given the URL to anyone who can possibly give it to him, right? Besides, why would he want to go to my blog right? After that whole texting episode, which I still cringe to think about and here for the record I am pleading temporary insanity for that, I don't think so.

He may not remember it but I do and I cringe. I'm trying to forget and I am forgetting it but there are moments when I still remember bits and pieces about it.

Gods...!

Right, no one who knows him knows this URL, right? Right. Right. I just have to keep saying that, and I am not going to write about the text.

So cool, he's handsome and brainy, taller than me, a veritable recipe for what I want in a guy, so what, right?

Right.

Did I mention that he has a girlfriend, as of last time I texted him? Right.

And sometimes it's not Carlos but someone else but I'm not writing the name for the simple reason that there are people who could read this who knows him. Gods, just writing that and they know who I'm talking about. Guys, just don't tell him alright?

He's kinda similar to Carlos but not quite; they're both brainy though.

Don't know if this latter guy has a girlfriend. He probably has one. Or two.

Never mind me, I'm blabbering.


So why do I like reading fanfics and stories? Maybe coz I hate my life and want to escape to another world where there's only good things happening... Well, bad things also happen but the characters all seem to get a handle on it and at the end of the day, everyone's happy and well satisfied with their lives.

Finding satisfaction in my current life is like a constant walk through an endless tunnel without a light. Life ain't pretty and the option to transfer to that other dimension is very tempting... Very tempting indeed...

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD-FOUNDING-DAMNATION-BLOODY-HELL!!

THAT IS BLOODY IT!!!

I'LL GET THAT BLOODY... EVIL... AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

kill... destroy... decimate... terminate...


Okay. Now that's out of the way, let's get onto the juicier stuff. Like the Unforgiveable Curse, Avada Kevadra being my personal favorite.

Too much Harry Potter, you think?

I think I'm bloody addicted and this is one addiction that I don't mind having. Being dependent on drugs and nicotine and alcohol and any artificial stimulants, blegh. Eeky. No like. That's not to say that I haven't tried any of them. I've tried cigarettes -- depends on the brand but man, they taste so bad! Except that menthol one that I smoked once and did it ever calm me down! hehehe. Alcohol... well, you can't really avoid them. Been there, done that. I just don't like being in a public place when I'm drunk. Kinda dangerous. For whom, I;ll let you figure that out.

Drugs, I have to say I haven't done the illegal ones. Nope I haven't smoked mary janes, I haven't snorted angel dust and all that crap. And you shouldn't let it get to your head that I want to try them out, coz I don't. I just don't see the sense in doing drugs.

Being dependent on over the counter drugs are dangerous as well. Cough syrup, tranquilizers, sedatives. They got pretty strong stuff in them. Same idea goes with them for me -- what's the sense of taking medicine when you're not sick?


torture... mutilate... cut off their heads...


Oh... hehehe my fun side's coming out again ^_^;;

Not enough mutilation on television. Heck, we're watching a televised war in the Middle East, for crying out loud! Shouldn't that say something about our society?!

I'm not going there anymore. If they want to kill each other, then bloody gp ahead. Just don't use the bystanders, the civilians, as cover. Geez. I guess the times of the cave people have come about again.

Fun side, where are you when I need you in real life? Like right now when I'm feeling particularly murderous...?!

As this is a partly public thing, I can't bloody curse as well as I could were this a pen and paper kind of thing. I can't say the F word, and it's bloody wanting to come out! F***!!! I even have to find a substitute here! I can't use Fudge, coz that's kinda Saint's. So I've taken to using Flood. Not the same Oomph of the original F***

Poor pussycat in our house; she's getting the brunt of all of my repressed violent tendencies. Oh sure, cry out why don't you, pet lovers out there! Here's the thing, she's not my pet -- she's a stray that's taken to staying in our backyard -- and the only reason that I know what sex she is, is because she recent;y gave birth. I think all kittens are dead by the way, but since I have no idea where the hell she's taken them I can't be sure.

I just hit her with a candleholder, the solid bronze one, very heavy. Hey, I missed with my rubber slippers! And she wants to enter my room. Oh hell, why am I justifying my actions here. Screw you.


Flood.


So how about my day? The day that I've been waiting for? Geez, what do you think knowing my life? What else? It got ruined. Happy now?

There's just something about today that pisses me off...

As I've given the URL of my blog to some other people, now I can't even rant properly because there are certain images that must be kept up.

Don't worry. I'll grow weary of this "maintain the facade" thing in a few days. Maybe. But since I've just thought that and written that, that may not happen that fast.

So now all I can do is write about some other inane things that would be acceptable with my PG-13 rating life.

Flood.

There's nothing to write about coz what I really want to do is just SCREAM.

Facades were made to be destroyed.

Screw you.


I have got to get more British curse words. They're a lot more fun than the common American ones. And more acceptable.

I've always been fascinated with the British.

Hmm... I've always thought that I'd never change citizenship, but now, given the chance, I'd rather have a British passport than the one I have now. Britons aren't as screwed up as the rest of the world. Well, one could argue that they're just a bunch of repressed buggers, but what the hell? Everyone has their own foibles to contend with.

Did I mention that absolutely adore their accents?

Though sometimes it takes me a moment longer to decipher what the heck they're saying, but they're relatively easier to understand than true blue New Yorkers. They have weird accents.


Oh crud.

I just remembered. New York. Bloody hell.

My "sponsor" just called me up, so I told her all there was to know about my taking up BS Nursing in that school. It was like a report so there. Then we got to talking about the fees and all that money matters. Soon she was jumping from how she was going to send me the needed matriculation fees to me being able to work a lot when she sends for me, coz she was going to get me a position in a hospital. I'm like, okay... Lucky I was watching Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible 2 at the same time.

What the hell am I going to do?

Magic would be a real god-send right about now. Being an Auror sounds like a plan...

The call took one hour, and she's in New York. Damn, but are international phone calls that cheap over there?


Gackt is God.

Atheist I am not -- I believe in something, just not in the same thing that other people do. It'll be better if I'm agnostic, I think. I don't know. I don't pray but I have a number of rosaries about, even some crosses somewhere. I don't go to services, except when it can't be helped, i.e. "forced" into it by some other external force that I can't do anything about.

Heck, Hyde could be God, but he doesn't have the same Godliness that Gackt has.

Some might disagree. Bugger off, I tell you. I'm in homicidal mode right now.

Maybe just a tad bit.

And they said I was afraid of blood, that I'll puke at the sight of blood. Sight, no. Smell, maybe. It's overpowering. Imagine you're in a pool of blood.

Nice, isn't it?


So am I going into Nursing or what?

I have no idea.

But I just saw the webpage of Osaka Gaidai, and I want in. That means I gotta think of something to do to get that darned thing...

Gackt has a series of concerts planned this summer, I think. hehehe that's enought motivation, ne?


Argh!! Wrong button to click! Damn! Idiot! Baka! Ahou! Tonta! Now you gotta click that bloody "next" button at the bottom of the page again and again! You should've just clicked the one at the top of the page!! Argh!!


It's so funny; I just remembered something I saw on TV a few months ago. There was this American preacher tearing up Harry Potter books saying they were works of the Devil. Anything for publicity, my dear man of God? I think the collection tins were heavier that time. hehehe me bad.

Devil's work? Puh-lease!

Laugh it all out, people.


Being evil is fun; being responsibly evil, that's hard work.

My birthday's coming up! That could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your point of view. Let's not do an analysis here. I don't want to think of anything else other than my wish list.

hehehe this is going to be fun...

I've just been to a store some days ago - when I bought the VCDs - and I got to thinking that I want more CDs so that'll make up the bulk of my wish list, and in no particular order, they are:

1. Linkin Park - Meteroa, Hybrid Theory, Reanimation
2. Bon Jovi - Bounce, Crush
3. Nirvana - Nirvana (the black CD, compilation and some new materials, I think)
4. the new Guns n Roses album, I forgot the name
5. Blue - One Love
6. Shania Twain - Up, and I wouldn't say no to her other albums ^__^
7. David Usher - Morning Orbit
8. any Glay CD
9. any Gackt CD
10. any L'arc en Ciel CD
11. any Tokio CD
12. has Metallica released any new materials yet?
13. for that matter, where's Pearl Jam?
14. any Ayumi Hamasaki CD
15. Utada Hikaru CDs would also be nice
16. Shakira - it'd be cool to listen to her Spanish albums
17. T.A.T.U. - kinda... different sort of duo
18. hehehe this'll be fun... god (a Korean male group) - any of their CDs
19. Lena Park, also a Korean artist, and for the life of me I forgot her Korean name ^__^;;
20. any BoA CD (female Korean artist who's made it big in Japan)
21. Harry Potter OSTs
22. Shinhwa's also making a splash in Japan; they're a Korean male group
23. oh alright! Norah Jones - Come Away With Me; the Limited Edition CD with the 4 bonus tracks and 2 videos
24. Hole (Courtney Love's band) - Celebrity Skin, I think is the album name
25. Mohicans - it's a compilation album
26. David Bowie - Heathen and the album before that ^__^ he's good for an old guy
27. geez... Atomic Kitten - any of their CDs
28. Toni Braxton - More Than a Woman, and the one immediately before that
29. Charlotte Church - Voice of an Angel, Charlotte Church, and her third album which I can't recall the name
30. Blowout: 18 of the Best Indie Sounds
31. CSI OST
32. U2 - Best of
33. Junoon (they're a Middle Eastern rock band, and forgive me if I spelled the name wrong, but I like their music)

Of the top of my head, that is...

So what about movies, VCDs, you ask? hehehe in no particular order

1. Brotherhood of the Wolves - with English subtitles please coz I don't understand French
2. A Walk to Remember
3. Star Wars 4, 5, 6, and 1, 2, and if 3's out it'll be fun
4. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; add in Prisoner of Azkaban and I'll be your friend for life
5. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I have no idea when the 3rd movie's coming out
6. Moonchild
7. The Touch
8. So Close
9. Hero
10. Red Dragon
11. Signs
12. Bring It On
13. Simone
14. The Recruit
15. Brendan Fraser movies, be it the comic ones or the serious ones, he's versatile enough for that
16. a Korean movie about a boy and a girl switching bodies, I forgot the title, but I saw just the last part of it in Arirang and I wanna see it again


And that's that. See how I make an effort to make it easier for people to buy me presents? How the hell do I make a cynical smiley face...? :$ hehehe If I make a bet with myself if I get presents, I'll be rich. Take that.

So maybe 15 subjects weren't good enough. My friend who's studying Nursing right now told me she got either 18 or 22 subjects credited. Damn, that's sweet. So I got to asking about the tuiton and other fees... it's a cool 10T for 11 subjects for one sem. I also got another input on the tuition -- it's 14T per sem on the first year, 16T per sem on the 2nd year, and it increases man! So my friend asked for an estimate for the 3rd and 4th year -- it's a whopping 21T for the former (that's per sem) and 33T for the latter.

O--kay...

And on to more.. dubious and mysteriously murderous thoughts.

I had a call from a possible job -- almost everyone knows about this since I was just about ranting about it the other day -- and my sister answered it, you know that bitch? So she told the person calling me that I was at a school looking at taking up another course! So tell me, does this sound like something that you tell a potential employer?

Damn her to hell and back again through the frigid waters of the River Styx.

Damn but I love that!

Now all I have to do is make that into a curse worthy of Voldemort's Avada Kevadra Killing curse and I'm all set!! ^___^

Rehashing my thoughts as I was on my home... Anyway, I was meeting some high school friends that day. I was having a good time, yes -- and we got to talking about our batchmates.

hehehe HI Neds! hehehe alright, so I won't tell anyone yet about that...! That won't keep me from wanting to tell people, y'know. Darn. So let me and Anne tell? Please?

hehehe me bad, we good.

Before I start revealing Neds' secret...

So there I was on my home and through my mind runs a series of events that I would have dearly loved to have come true. Damn, and I could swear I was growling. Maybe that's why the other passengers didn't dare come near me ^__^;;

Most of the scenarios involved me slapping the bitch around and throwing her on the floor. I don't know if I had the strength to do that but maybe I could have -- there's rage fueling me after all.

So let's leave that at that.

Murderous thoughts, go away.

Or I'll write a funny Voldie fic.

hmm... Voldemort in pink robes... with a fuschia overcoat... and red slippers...

Damn, is that a Dark Mark floating above me? hehehe Catch me if you can Voldie, I have the power in this dimension...! *mad laughter*


*ahem* Composure is good.


So...

I hope my high school batchmates and friends can arrange an EB sometime. It's definitely been a while since I last met up with them. It'll be fun to catch up with one another's news and lives.

I know I'm supposed to be planning on going to Feifu's sometime this May as well, but... hehehe we'll just see what happens. I can't say which I'll prioritze since both are important to me. How important both are, I won't say right now, coz I'm still thinking.

Pro's and Con's

The HS EB'll probably be just a day or something like that. I'm not sure since Yana's the one who'll be arranging that. Wendy's got a 12-day break so she's coming to the country... Argh, I don't want to jinx this! So I'll stop talking about it.


What else is there?

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