oro... @_@;;

I've been MOVED!!!

I don't know whether to be pleased or not, but I suppose this ought to be... different. Damn, and I just checked my blog before I decided to update. Oh geez...

Oh shit... yeah, a moment of insanity... actually, a lot of insanity lately. So yeah, he replied to my email; it would seem that he hadn't been able to read the story (I have no idea whether to be thankful or not) as it's not up at the site yet.

*sigh*

Thankful or not?

Thankful or not?

*sigh*

Argh!! Damn it, I want to know what he thinks of it!!


Okay, so I'm obssessing about this right now as a distraction. Yup, one big distraction... because I don't want to think of the other thing that I would like to obssess about.

Gods! They kissed under a mistletoe!!

Or so I've heard.

God damn it!! Rowling you have got to be kidding me!! Several fans are going to be soooo mad at you!! Including me.

That and Sirius will die. Wonder how Sandy'll react to that. I know Emski's bemoaning the fact that all the guys she likes (in anime anyway) all die at one point or another.

Damn.

They bloody kissed!! I hate that!!

I have no idea why I did that... okay, so maybe I was experiencing a moment of insanity then... *sigh* I hope it's not a lasting moment of insanity; what'll I do if I do become clinically insane?! Though all of us are or were, at one time or another.

So alright...

Urgh! Lung Cancer, definitely! That's the way I'm gonna die! Gods! I can't bloody breathe properly without inhaling cigarette smoke fumes clogging up my lungs! It's definitely the ones inhaling the second hand smoke who gets the raw end of the deal! Gods!

I really ought to consider getting and using a mask here at home, and not for bloody SARS, no! But for the cigarette smoke! God damn it!!

urk

And what the hell do you expect me to do?! Lie about in bed all day, going the expected sick routine so you can bloody well complain about it to everyone, how expensive it is to take care of a sick sibling?! And how tiring it can be?!

Bloody hell! I curse you to Hell and back to the River Styx!!

And you had the bloody gall to compare me to that bitch?! Fuck you!

I'm doing what I'm doing, mainly sitting in front of the computer and editing Illusion, because I can't bloody well not do it! I have to do this if I want to finish this. Why the hell am I justifying my actions?!

This just makes me sooo mad. Wherever I turn, I'll be sure to encounter a censure of whatever it is I'm doing. I lie about all day, and I'm lazy and a good-for-nothing. I watch television, and I'm like my sister. I do something with the computer and I don't take care of myself. Where in the name of bloody heaven am I to place myself?!

Then there's this... ARGH! I'm supposed to be calling her Auntie (blegh!) and she'd emailed me asking yet again why I didn't go to Nursing school at her behest. So I wrote back, I've forgotten what exactly I wrote but it went along the lines of "I don't want to do anything I don't want to do" and she replies with something like "Young ones can get too idealistic but as you grow older you have to be realistic."

What the fuck do you bloody think you're doing?! I don't bloody care if you're 66 years old, and I'm supposed to be respectful of my elders. If it's one thing I've learned over the years, it's bloody unhealthy to hold resentments inside. So I'm doing this.

Venting is healthy.

Wouldn't it be funnily ironic if I go to sleep and never wake up, ever again? Hmm... that's an idea I have to explore, fully this time.

Argh, can't forget the sexfest.

Ah hell... whatever comes first, and that wasn't any pun.





Hate as never before witnessed
Anger overflowing the dream
Rage simmering below the surface
Resentment a thin film above
Yearning to flee

Pensive thoughts try to calm
Only nothing can be in between
Truth is a danger to all
Terrible is the price to pay
Evangelize in the name of ME
Repent to die



Note: Ooops, sorry dude but I was trying to get calm. In a sense it worked too. ^__^;

Only to J.K. does the genius belong
I along with many worship and borrow
But ne'er to do vicious harm
Just pure fan homage

Argh, why can't I have a normal sick day or even a sick week? Like right now, well, yesterday (Thursday), I got a 39.5 degree fever and now today when I checked my temperature, it's just 37 degrees. See? Even my fever has to be considerate of other people...!

Let me explain...

So there I was, feeling like crap, and all I wanted was to know what my temperature was, coz I could tell it was higher than normal. Then my brother and sister were like, what's a thermometer gonna do to lower the temperature?

Uh, I just want to know what my temperature is...?

And then they had a discussion on what to do with me, like, shouldn't I be taking a paracetamol? But she won't/doesn't want to. Shouldn't she have an ice pack? That'll be too much of a shock to her system, better a water and alcohol wipe down...

*sigh*

See? I have to be considerate. So now I have to school my body to just get a 24-36 hour sick leave, fever or otherwise, so war won't break out.

When will I get the time and opportunity to have a week long sick leave with all the perks?!

Not any time soon, that's for damn sure.

So... no more fever for me (YAY!) but my throat's hurting like hell. I'm thinking throat infection, but I can't be sure as I haven't been to the doctor yet. And I don't feel like going to one at all; it'll just be too much of a hassle for everyone involved. Too much hassle for them equals a lot more hassle for me, so no thanks.

Hope this works...

You and me both...

And me as well...

Can I join in this conversation?

Dogs barking outside, eep, creepy... wonder what kind of person's walking the streets this time of the night? I don't think I want to know; that's why I'm taking refuge in using a pair of earphones to somewhat nullify the barking.

It's been a... weird, difficult past few days. First thing's first.

Choco's dead.

Damn, that was so final. Anyway, so it happened this Monday morning, somewhat early coz when I woke up, she wasn't anywhere inside or outside the house and her bed was gone. My sister told me my brother saw that Choco was dead and so, threw the body out. Was kinda hoping she'd say they buried her...

And just that night, I had a weird dream. One minute I was giving Choco a bath, then I was taking care of a baby boy who called me Mama? How weird is that? And I just know it was a boy, and I can even recall some of his features - he looked tall (long bones, I'm betting) and had beautiful chinito eyes (slanting, I guess would be a correct assumption), dark hair - and he called me Mama. I'm guessing he was about a year old or thereabouts, but he was tottering around in his diapers, and I was holding out my arms for him to walk towards me.

Oh crud, Sandy, don't tell me this "wanting to have a kid" thing is contagious...! Or maybe it was just a bloody dream. Ack, I have to take her advice and just chill...

But the weird thing about it was just this afternoon as I was using the computer, I had the distinct feeling of déjà vu, and I am not talking about that Mandy Moore song. I just knew that I've seen and been in the whole scene inside the house - I was in front of the computer, listening to music using the earphones and reading a story, my sister was doing something in the kitchen, and my brother was watching the television and commenting about something. Even the particular music I was listening to and the television program felt familiar in that they'd happened before.

Creepy. And weird.

Do I want a child? Heck no, not yet anyway. Besides, how can I promise to take care of one if I'm going to expire when I reach 35? Figure it out.


So on to more... erhm, interesting things that, incidentally happened on that same day. I was minding my own business later that Monday morning (around lunchtime, I'm guessing, but I'm not usually aware of the time) when Feifu texted me, asking about when I could go online that day. I'm like, huh? Okay, I'll try to do so later that night. So we chatted about stuff then she said she didn't have any more battery life and can't text me anymore. So okay.

The next thing I knew, her Mom called me up that night and asked if I'd had any contact with Feifu. I said we were texting at around lunchtime but that she had low battery and couldn't text anymore. Then she went that Feifu hadn't called yet and wasn't home yet that time of the night. I'm like, what the heck? I didn't even know she wasn't home!

But there could have been a reasonable explanation. She did say she had low battery, and she could have just been stuck in traffic. It could happen right?

That suspicion was semi-confirmed, for me anyway, when one of her closest friends - Guido - called me up with pretty much the same query. Actually he was the one who told me about the traffic thing - I'm thinking I could have still been shock over Choco that I wasn't processing things right. As I've just gone that way a few weeks or so before (when we went to Baguio), I saw that the road was being constructed, entangling commuters in more traffic.

I could go on about the inconvenience that project does to everyone but not here and not now. Maybe when I get stuck in traffic again.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Feifu went missing. That was confirmed when her mother and her aunt called me up in the early morning, asking if I've had any contact with her at all. It would seem that the bloody git (sorry about that Feifu) didn't go home that night. I have no idea what or how those conversations went, as I am really not a morning person, whatever the circumstances. But I do recall that her mom sounded tired; she hadn't slept at all that night waiting for her errant daughter.

All I could do was tell her to try to get some sleep, as she can't very well continue on with what's she's doing. Then I got a text from another of Feifu's friends saying that her mom was on her way to school. Oh yeah, she was supposed to go to school to get her diploma.

So anyway, I tried calling Feifu's cellphone but there wasn't any answer. Possible reason: she had low battery and couldn't charge up. Did she even bring her charger?

But there's a happy ending. I have no idea what time it was, after lunch I think? Oh man, I really, really need a talking watch that would tell me what time it was on the hour, every hour. So anyway, after lunch, Guido texted me again, sounding quite happy. The reason: it would seem that the prodigal daughter has returned and has been reunited with her mother.

All in all, a happy ending.

Then earlier this evening, I'm guessing Feifu texted all of her friends that she's alright and she's not grounded. Which is really good.

And now all that remains is the big question: Why?

But I wouldn't worry about it too much; she'll talk when she's ready and we can't really force her to. So I'm hoping she'll tell us, in her own time.



Argh, time again? Talking watch, definitely.


Vic Zhou's SOOO CUTE!! What about that smile, that laugh, those eyes...?! I'm turning into a regular Meteor Garden fan. Wah!! I want the CDs! I want to go to their concert! Can I keep Vic?


I'm editing Illusion right now to pass the time. Heck, I need to get these edited versions out, pronto!


Argh I hate this virus... die already why don't you?!

I can't bloody reformat the computer again; been told not to. And in addition to that, I've been told to just leave Yahoo alone. I'm like, WTF?! My online life is there!! ARGH!!


Ah geez... my throat's hurting... just the left side though... feels like a lance is stuck inside the flesh and I can't swallow without feeling a sharp pain. And I think I'm tasting blood now. Oh crap, do I have to drink my own blood again? This is getting way too old for comfort.

ei, Sandy, sorry about that, if you've read the entry regarding having kids *sheepish grin* I know you're totally gaga over the idea... hehehe and I was reconsidering about the UPS idea of babysitting ^__^;;

Anyway...

So... I'm kinda feeling like I just had or am about to have a heart attack. Why is it that every time it's just the two of us -- my brother and I -- I feel like treading on land mines? It's like one wrong word and he'll blow his top and that'll be the end of the real lofe existence of yours truly?

Damn, maintaining a lot of facades IS really tiring, not to mention stressful. Problem is, once you take off the first mask, when'll it end? It's like I have a number of masks on for every single person that I know and interact with. Heck, even my online persona is a lot more outgoing than my offline persona, and that begs the question, which is me?

There are times when I feel like my online persona is more like the real me, but then there are times when I feel like the offline persona is more like me. Heck, I'm going in circles. To hell with it.

Identity crisis. Hell, who is Ana?

Kinda reminds me of that Jackie Chan movie, Who Am I? I liked that movie. I think I watched that late at night, or maybe that was Accidental Spy.

Oh crud... I just want to retreat into the room, draw the covers over me, and drown out the sounds of the outside world through my trusty discman -- erhm, the CD there right now is a collection of Mandy Moore songs, how pop can you get? -- though the radio could work, but as it's the weekend, let me tell you that the music will royally suck.

I'm still going to go online tonight, I think.

Damn, Choco's missing. She was right beside me earlier on, then when I looked to check on her, she was gone. I've looked through the whole roster of her fave places inside the house but I still haven't found her. I semi-checked outside as well, but the only cats I saw were the other strays. Heck, I've named them -- Kuro, Shiro, Han. Guess why. Kuro's actually really pretty, a solid color all around, and he has green eyes. Choco's are blue, I think, but then she's younger; it could still change, ne?

Just visited the RO2 website. Real nice, but it would have been better if my computer didn't like, do what it is doing right now.

How in the name of all that holy do you get rid, totally, of HTML Redlof A virus? It's driving me mad, I can't make my website because of that little bugger.

So, back on track... where was I? Oh yeah, Marco actually crossed my thoughts. He was supposed to lend me his copy of CCCom #10 -- he was supposed to drive over and give it to me earlier but he didn't. So when my sister went into the city, I asked her to get me a copy of it. Now I have my own. And then the bugger had to call the other house asking when and what he was supposed to drop off at my house. Cute.

Now I wish he did, if only because I need him to ink a sketch that I have. Damn. Wonder if the image'll look alright, it being done in pencil and the other one actually done in ink is not just to my type...

Eep, have to visit Gothic Rain's site, don't know if it's still up though. I hope it is though, coz damn, but that guy can draw! It's actually a site for his comic and it's really good. Wonder how Tommy's doing; hope he ain't dead yet. As well as David.

*sigh* I forgot to ask Marco's URL. Double damn.

What else is there?

I'm starting to calm down, if only because my sister is here and can play equalizer to me.

I hate it. I hate this. I hate me.

Damn, damn, damn.

My head's killing me, headache on the horizon! Argh, migraine variety, I hope, and not the other killer kind. I hate those; they strike when you least expect it.

To talk or not to talk. I opt for silence.

hehehe just read a semi-funny email... it was at my HS ML, and this guy, sent an email in the pure native language. hehehe I still won't say/write it.

Anyway, it was kinda funny coz I was trying to follow the words but I kept cracking up. Not because he wasn't any good, but the idea of it was funny, to me at least, coz the lingua franca at that ML was English with just a bit of native thrown in. Oh well, he's at Law School so I suppose he should be able to be quite good in the native language as well.

Argh.

Oh crud... if this is how it is to have a kid, PLEASE DO NOT SIGN ME UP UNTIL I'VE HAD ENOUGH PRACTICE. Crud! Is it always this stressful?!

Alright, so admittedly, what I am doing right now is NOT TAKING CARE OF A REAL BABY, but it can come close. I've just recently adopted a kitten -- female I think -- who I have named Choco, mainly because the li'l 'un seems to like chocolate. The duty just got kinda relegated to me, since they won't touch the kitten. More of don't want to touch the kitten, and I'm the one supposedly allergic to cats and other furry animals (yes, people, even in real life, Ana is supposedly allergic, and it helps to have had bronchial asthma).

If I hadn't taken a hand in it, the kitten will most probably have been, erhm, eliminated, by the other stray cats roaming about in our backyard.

Is it just me or is MSN and Yahoo both wonky?!

So back to my griping... The kitten can fit into my hand, and I've held her like that actually, when I was trying to clean her up. I still do that. Damn, who does that for them?

Alright, so I don't know much about having a pet, but give me a break, this is the first animal I've taken in/ given this much attention.

ARGH, it doesn't matter if my connection's at the maximum...! It's still slow as a turtle!! And don't give me that bull about slow and sure being the best way to get to your goal! Work damn it!!


Ooh... Baguio. New story, Countdown (working title), haven't written much of it, but I do have a working outline of it. I know what happens when, but... hehehe haven't written the whole thing yet. And here I am, already dreaming up the sequel. ^__^

Baguio also makes me remember Vaughn or was it Von? I've forgotten how to spell his name, but I think I'll got with the former, sound and looks more okay to me. He's this guy a friend of mine introduced to me and another friend when we went up to Baguio for a week. Nothing serious, just a week at a friend's house. It really shouldn't matter that this friend was a guy, and that he invited me, another guy and another girl. Sounds cozy? Sure, just add his entire family to the mix.

Damn, why am I reminiscing about this all of a sudden? I have an albumful of photos of that time, but I don't have one of Vaughn. Oh well, lose some...

Hell.


No one wants to, nothing is made
Think a moment to fake a gasp
Surprisingly truthful
Enchantingly sinful
Disarmingly beautiful

I should have left
I should have done a lot
I should have
I could have
I would have
Excuses I can't


Argh, terrible poetry. Who am I kidding? I only got high marks for Poetry in high school because I was the best in English, and not because I was a real poet.