Isolation, Insulation

Funny how detached I can be. I don't know if it's truth or something like forced truth, but I oftentimes feel like if I will myself to feel or be a certain way, I can be like that for a long time. Other times, I have to coach myself continuously to be something else. I suppose it's sort of an escape or masking, since I try not to show who I am and what I am to outsiders. It can be tiring but exciting, but frightening if I think about it too much -- how do I know that the persona I am to this person is who I am in reality?

I think it's the late hour affecting my thought processes. I was actually just going to comment on some of the entires I read in my friends' blogs. Topics ranged from familial relationship to platonic relationship to romantic relationship. Relationships.


Familial.

Gods, it sucks to be an orphan, but at the same it, it's sort of freeing. Not that I wish my parents dead -- though they already are (morbid!) -- but it's different growing up without them than with them. I imagine if my mother was still alive when I was in college, I would have taken a different course, maybe even gone to a different school, and I wouldn't be friends with my friends, and I wouldn't have been moulded into who and what I think I am today.

Did that make sense?

I think it did.


Platonic.

Friends I have a number of. Close friends, I have a handful of. Best friends, kinda conditional, honestly. I mean, define a best friend. Usually, he/she has to have known you the longest. With that criterion, I can remove my neighbours and GS classmates and cousins, since I don't have any kind of interaction with them that could remotely be called "best friendly" type. Gah, I don't even see my GS classmates now.

Share secrets. Sorry, I don't trust people that easily. I can say that some people know my secrets but my deepest secrets, I will take to my grave. Soon. *cue evile laughter*


Romantic.

Gah. Do I have to?

Okay, nearest approximation to a romantic relationship that I may have... hmm... back in college, summer (of course it has to be a summer for it to be so cliche), there was this guy. I didn't know him before, I mean, I haven't seen him before that time (come to think of it, I haven't seen him since then too), so I have no idea who he is, what kind of person he is. Some said he was this player, and since I was kind of the new kid, I caught his attention.

Gah, this is embarassing.

So anyway, I admit, in hindsight, that I was way over my head right from the beginning, being the new kid and all. He kinda got it into his head that we already had this thing going on. (You have no idea how mortifying this is right now for me.)

I guess he was kinda okay looking... definitely not David-like or Russell-like or (thank the whole universe of gods!) James-like, but he was okay. He seemed popular with the other girls anyway, and some were being catty and saying that he dumped them callously before so I should watch out. Silly me, right?

He brought me to his parent's house and introduced me to them... well, to his father and brother in any case.

hehehe

Gods, when word got out that I was supposed to be with him, the neightbours all got real interested, rumor-mongers that they are. I imagine there were a few rumors about me being pregnant, on and off, depending on how often they see me, but hey, what do I care? I'm just thankful I'm out of that circuit.

Bottom line, I have a pathetic and nonexistent love-life.


So why these topics?

Dunno. Just felt like writing them all down, and I guess the impetus came from my friends' blogs. It isn't often that I can become introspective or anything... ah well, even the mighty fall, aye?