I have no control of my life
I go where I'm told
I do what I'm told
I'm suicidal, I'm homicidal
I gotta stay away from sharp objects


I'm tired of smiling, for the camera and otherwise
I'm tired of it all
Let it end, crashing into the waves
Freedom of choice is a non-entity
I get asked only when they remember my existence



This isn't poetry -- it's terrible! -- but only a series of statements that ran through my mind when someone told me I had an appointment with a doctor so WE had to go somewhere to be able to get to the appointment on time.

Isn't it great?

My appointment, singular, and WE, plural, get to go.

How bloody fantastic!

Gods, as much as I'm tired of smiling, I gotta smile in this case coz otherwise I'd be screaming and breaking things and yelling and basically letting loose.

Thank God for Horatio who can distract me. And even then, I'm using him to kill off everyone.


I feel like even what and when I eat is under scrutiny. Even if I'm already full but there's still food on the table, I'm expected to eat the whole lot. No wonder my attempts at loosing weight is futile. Well, not exactly, because I could resist and turn out to be the ungrateful wench that I am.

Fun ain't it?

Like just now... I've already eaten rice with fish, and lotsa water -- drinking water to appease hunger pangs really works and fills you up good -- but then she arrived with food from a celebration. So she was already putting things in the fridge but then she said, "Oh yeah, you're gonna eat." Referring to me, of course.

Then she went to her room, and I unloaded everything from their foil wrappers. Cake, icing, foil wrapper. Of course the icing's gonna stick to the foil, so I ate the icing. I'm already full as I've been drinking water the whole day. Then I took one of the kakanin -- I think it was a cassava cake -- and halfway through eating it, I'm like, "have to take bite, have to take bite."

So I finish the cake, thank god it's a small portion, and... I had to take a sugar flower from the birthday cake.

It ain't my birthday.

I think i'm full to bursting, and my stomach is expanding again.

I hate me.