Crikey, what wake up call!

I was in that in-between world of sleep and wakefulness when I heard my cell phone signalling a text message. I let the tone finish before reading the text. I was surprised but not concerned when I read the message from a friend: what does 'bimbo' mean?

I had no real reason to be concerned; it could just be idle interest, something that was heard over the television or something. I said it mean brainless and asked why. Then came the real wake up call: Don't be mad but my boyfriend called me that.

*silence*

Yeah, like that.

Jesus! Wha...?! Argh! What the fuck?!

So what followed was a semi-frantic text messaging marathon, and a long distance phone call or two.

I mean, really... what kind of guy tells the girl he professes to love THAT WORD?!

I couldn't really let go when I was texting her -- my friend's mental and emotional health comes first before any thoughts of strangling that idiot-boy -- so I was calm and all (at least I hope I was!) when talking with her.

I may have put Horatio in second place for the hour that was given me to spend with him but it was okay.

I hope that my friend makes the right decision for her. I hope she makes whatever decision she makes that she knows will make her happy and content. It really won't do to do stuff, ie make decisions about your life, just to appease other people's perceptions of who and what you should be.

Other people's assumptions about you really shouldn't matter as long as you know who and what kind of person you are. I think it all boils down to having enough confidence in yourself to be free of societal concerns about you.

Just watched Hyde's concert on BS2. Didn't understand a word he was saying -- I think he was eating his words or something -- but MAN! the music rocked! Guitars! Drums! *sigh* music for my soul. His music as a solo artist is grittier than when he's with L'arc en Ciel. More edgy. More rock. More yummilicious.

Hmm... more evil? hehehe symbols, just symbols, nothing more, nothing less. Loved the cross up over them on the stage, and then when it descended... nice... Lights were wonderfully controlled chaos.

He only had two other musicians with him on stage: bass guitars and drums. Three guys, and a packed stadium, up to the rafters. Packed.

What was it? 666 Hyde 2004 First Tour Concert or something like that.

And now The Beat File presents Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears.

What a way to come down from such a high.

And when Hyde was talking -- an interview interspersed with the concert -- and even before the first song, he was smoking a cigarette. Made me think of my erstwhile nicotine habit. Made me wonder if I could resurrect that habit. The last time I smoked a cigarette was in college, and I bummed one from a blockmate, delicious minty cigarette, and I was feeling agitated that time. That one cigarette calmed me down. I swear.

So makes me wonder if I can be calmed down now if I start smoking again.

Not that I was a prolific smoker way back when, but I did smoke occasionally. Heck, with my brother a smoker and my sister a poser smoker, it'd be one smoking family, eh? hehehe

I have this particular brand though in mind. I don't care for the usual cigarette brands; I want that minty one that I smoked last in college. Then there are the flavored cigarettes my niece introduced me to before. Cinnamon, I think, was the one that I got. It was okay, I guess, but it was only one puff. Can't actually tell with just one puff. Have to finish one stick. At least.

Hmm...

There's even an open pack right out here. Matches on the next surface, and a lighter on the table.

I wonder... hmm... gotta ask who owns that pack first.


Do you know what you're doing?

*lights up* Yeah.

Okay, as long as you're aware...

Thank you. *sardonic eye roll*


Geez, I have a doctor's appointment on Friday. What to wear? I want the combat boots. Black re-made skirt? Have to find a cheap olive green shirt. Damn, I don't own a green shirt, except for that hand-painted shirt that I can't actually re-make because it's an expensive piece of clothing.

Where the hell did I get that anyway? I for sure didn't buy that... Oh yeah, my other brother gave that to me. Man's shirt for a girl. Go figure.

All black is sounding real good right about now. But which black shirt can I cut up? Everytime I actually have to dress up, I feel like I have to count pennies or something. It's like, argh... I can't describe it. Just that I'm not comfortable in my skin, in my clothes anymore.

Who the fucking hell am I?


Britney on the telly.


"Her ex, Colin Bautista, was the poster boy for the Perfect Man for All Ages. He was one of the more handsome men she had ever seen, with the soft, silky, beautifully black hair, wickedly bright black eyes, impeccably sharp nose, and yummiliciously sweet lips. Not to mention Colin was definitely a gentleman of the old tradition… most of the time, when he wasn't being mischievous. But even that, he managed to make into an adorably cute undertaking."

--> so whatcha think, Feifu, of Colin's description? Excerpt from my new orginal story.

I'm still working on the first chapter, and I need a title. Something highschoolishly adult, perhaps? Hmm... Die, Voldemort, Die maybe? hehehe disregard that...


hehehe

advert for CSI: Miami on AXN. Had to stop what I was doing to watch it. Doesn't matter how often I've seen that advert.

Oh yeah, I saw a preview for AXN's new programming, and I literally screamed with delight when I saw Horatio. ^___________________^ CSI: Miami second season is near!! My mantra would be: "Ignore SWMNBN." And "Don't despair coz H/C moments will come and will not be stopped by TPTB, no matter how delusional they may be." Or something along that line.

And I read in the ML that the actress playing SWMNBN said on a talk show (can't verify it so it could just be rumor or hearsay) that her character was a regular in the series because fans liked her chemistry with H.

Most were like, "what fans?" and "what chemistry?"

I tend to agree. I've seen her intro to the series before -- since I am saturating myself in reruns this time around -- and all I could see was a pretty cop who's brother-in-law in CSI was concerned about her. Seeing as her son is his last blood relative in the whole wide world...

"Pretty set decor" I think was someone else's description of her.

hehehe

H/C shippers 'til the end!


Good distraction for me these days: David Caruso or Horatio Caine. Whichever is there.

Damn it.

I hope my neighbours blow up their own heads, the way they're blowing up stuff JUST ACROSS THE STREET. It's not that I have anything against blowing things up, BUT at the very least, there has to be a higher purpose!

Geez!

I think they're using the typical explosives that're used during New Year's... loud and very nasty.

hehehe

I had a very brief thought that if I was a telekinetic, I could make that little bit of explosive triangle travel to his mouth and then it went KABOOM!!

hehehe evil me

I have no control of my life
I go where I'm told
I do what I'm told
I'm suicidal, I'm homicidal
I gotta stay away from sharp objects


I'm tired of smiling, for the camera and otherwise
I'm tired of it all
Let it end, crashing into the waves
Freedom of choice is a non-entity
I get asked only when they remember my existence



This isn't poetry -- it's terrible! -- but only a series of statements that ran through my mind when someone told me I had an appointment with a doctor so WE had to go somewhere to be able to get to the appointment on time.

Isn't it great?

My appointment, singular, and WE, plural, get to go.

How bloody fantastic!

Gods, as much as I'm tired of smiling, I gotta smile in this case coz otherwise I'd be screaming and breaking things and yelling and basically letting loose.

Thank God for Horatio who can distract me. And even then, I'm using him to kill off everyone.


I feel like even what and when I eat is under scrutiny. Even if I'm already full but there's still food on the table, I'm expected to eat the whole lot. No wonder my attempts at loosing weight is futile. Well, not exactly, because I could resist and turn out to be the ungrateful wench that I am.

Fun ain't it?

Like just now... I've already eaten rice with fish, and lotsa water -- drinking water to appease hunger pangs really works and fills you up good -- but then she arrived with food from a celebration. So she was already putting things in the fridge but then she said, "Oh yeah, you're gonna eat." Referring to me, of course.

Then she went to her room, and I unloaded everything from their foil wrappers. Cake, icing, foil wrapper. Of course the icing's gonna stick to the foil, so I ate the icing. I'm already full as I've been drinking water the whole day. Then I took one of the kakanin -- I think it was a cassava cake -- and halfway through eating it, I'm like, "have to take bite, have to take bite."

So I finish the cake, thank god it's a small portion, and... I had to take a sugar flower from the birthday cake.

It ain't my birthday.

I think i'm full to bursting, and my stomach is expanding again.

I hate me.

Argh!

I can't believe THAT happened.

Okay, so it happened in a movie. Which I watched about a fortnight ago.

But that one scene that I glimpsed at was so totally... argh! OFF! It seemed so way off from the script!

Well, I can't really say that, can I? Coz it's part of the script that THAT happen, and it did happen, but still... Argh, no wonder I could only watch it in bits and pieces, coz it's bloody painful to watch.

I mean... argh. Gimme a break. Consistencies. Geez.

Come to think of it, I'm not that 100% sure if it was the same character, but I'm about 90% sure of it.

Right. Consistencies. So you're the guy's kid's babysitter. You lived in the apartment building, with your parents, so that makes you underage, a minor. Guy gets the big bad from Fate and gets thrown in prison for something that someone begged him to do, something that in the first place he didn't really want to do because he's changed and reformed and all that jazz.

Prison time. Visitation.

You're the babysitter. The kid has grandparents to take care of her. And they live off the city, so what in the name of all that's holy are you doing there? What do you care anyway?

So you care... What'll your parents think?

That's a bloody ex-con you're consorting with... well, maybe not consorting this time around (but definitely that later, which I can't stand)... and your parents let you go?

Guy gets out of prison, legally. They get married. They solve the crime, clear their name, whatever it is that good guys do to beat the bad guys. And they ride off in a modified pick-up truck.


Crikey. Crock. Cor, blimey.



Saw Britney Spear's new video, Everytime. People were saying that it was a portrayal of video? Come on! Why? Because it occured in a bathtub full of water? Somewhere that females have consistently used as a suicide avenue?

Don't think so.

Besides, the blood came from the back of her head. Can anyone really self-inflict a wound to the back of their head? I'm just curious here. But I don't think so. Statistically, it's always a blade to the wrist, or a gun to the mouth or the temple. Success rate-wise, gun to the mouth is better because there's just soft tissue there on the way to the brain.

Anyway, so there's blood on the back of her head. Question: where did that come from? In no scene that I remember in the video did she get hit at the back of her head. Her boyfriend throws stuff and is generally angry at the world, but he doesn't lay a finger on her. Well, except for that attempt at a conciliatory hug, which she rebuffed.

My reason for this: I've been wondering how it would be, that first instant of being dead. Will your soul/essence linger near your body or will it combine with the life force of the universe at once?

I'm not going anywhere near the heaven or hell question.


I won't be going with the family's outing to the beach. Reason: don't want to deal with people. That and I have my period and I don't want to have to worry about that over with how to act around them. Them being the family, technically, the family of the sister-in-law.

Not that I don't like them... but my contemporary with that family just left the country so... hehehe

Besides, gives me a chance to have some quality time with Illusion and H! That makes me happier. ^__^

What was that I heard in one show in Discovery...? Something about people having lost the comfort of face-to-face interaction in favor of cyber interaction. Heck, I don't mind that.

Except for re: my friends. It's always great to see them and spend time with them outside chat.

Family-wise though, an occasional face-to-face is enough.

*sigh*

I miss the days when I lived in the dorm. It was easier then, although I missed a heck of a lot of television shows. The beauty of cable.

It really is easier to get this out through using the computer, but for accessibility, I'll still go for pen and paper.

Speaking of which, I finally unearthed that Legolas notebook Paul gave me. Still in pristine condition, so that's good. What I'm planning on doing is peppering it with more Horatio Caine pics, to use as cover. Well, not so for the front panel, because that's Legolas out there.

Project for the near future: taping and securing the Legolas notebook with Horatio Caine pics, with a smattering of Maksim and Harry Potter just for the heck of it. So what if they'll be printed out of a really old-fashioned printer with all the pixels and in black and white?

hehehe

Idea: Hey, Feifu! How's your printer? I think I have some photopaper somewhere among my things, and I can always spring for the ink.

Hmm... need frame or frames... maybe I'll just laminate it...


Liar liar liar liar

Why is it so easy for some people to lie about stuff and/or reinvent that reality to suit themselves? And more often than not, I'm the bloody unwitting pawn in the deception.

Not to mention that I think I am getting infected with envy and jealousy, coloured by bitterness.

I need to get out of here, but I'm too complacent.

Damn me.

Cor.

The bloody computer's acting up again, acting all wonky and stuff. Add to that, my upper back and shoulder and neck all ache...

Oh yeah, perfect day.

Then I went ahead and read something that's left me unsettled. Damn it. Damned curiosity. No wonder it killed the bloody cat.

Speaking of cats... my goddaughter got bitten by one. Thankfully, it wasn't our cat. She got her shots today, or so I was told.

One of the kittens in the house got cat-napped by this tom... probably an entree by now. Mom-cat won't leave the two other kittens alone now.

Cor.

The bloody computer's acting up again, acting all wonky and stuff. Add to that, my upper back and shoulder and neck all ache...

Oh yeah, perfect day.

Then I went ahead and read something that's left me unsettled. Damn it. Damned curiosity. No wonder it killed the bloody cat.

Speaking of cats... my goddaughter got bitten by one. Thankfully, it wasn't our cat. She got her shots today, or so I was told.

One of the kittens in the house got cat-napped by this tom... probably an entree by now. Mom-cat won't leave the two other kittens alone now.