so... i just took a quiz -- for the hell of it -- what aura something like that from quizilla. it came out 'red' at first, but i was like, oh no, I am not a frigging red. so i re-took the test and the results this time was a lot better -- crystal: can take on the aura of the person close to you. or something like that. i have no idea how to put that result up here so i'm just repeating what i remembered about it.

just had a thought. what the hell do i want to be?

but before that... i know i've been like all moody and fascinated with killing myself, on and off for the past few days. people know that. why is that though? well, i can offer no other excuse than that if other people suffer these attacks, as it were, at one point in their lives, i suffer them several times a month. i'd rather not hazard a guess as to how many times it is as it would probably depress me or elate me that i can be so bloody weird, but several times sounds just about right.

no people, i am not trying to feel special or anything, just laying it out as i see them. after all, almost everyone can be classified as clinically depressed, right?

erh... this is getting weird. like, this is the 3rd format of the editing page that i've seen ever since i started using blogger. sheesh, what the heck is up?

anyway...

cool happening in the country. Junior officers of the Military have revolted. well, they've taken over a building in a shopping center and they're currently nearing the deadline set by the government for them to surrender. the soldiers have put in bombs somewhere as a precautionary measure.

wonder if there'll be a bloodbath? maybe a change of government?

i can actually feel for those junior officers. gods, whose government hasn't fucked up in any which way? they have their valid reasons for doing what they're doing. and i don't begrudge them that.

on the one hand, they said they're doing this because no one has listened to them before. which is a valid point coming from the spokesperson. on the other hand, if they do try to go through the 'proper forum', the question they posed is 'what proper forum'?

so true.

it's a peaceful means to present their information to the public, that's what they said.

now people may ask, if it's a peaceful means, how come they're putting up bombs?

people, it's a protective measure. they have to protect themselves! if they didn't put those barriers up, then heck, there'd be a bloodbath once the government takes the building down. that i don't doubt.

if anything, i admire these junior officers for having the courage to act on their beliefs.

argh

can't think of anything else that could encompass what's inside my head at the moment. it's bloody scary sometimes. can i really do that? like, separate myself from my consciousness and be someone else?

i had another thought induced dream of a sort. it sort of reminded me in college when i was asked to portray a schizophrenic (sp?) well, schizo, in a class presentation. all my groupmates told me to do was to pretend someone was telling me such and such in my head and that i had to reply aloud. i found it terribly easy.

but heck, who hasn't voices in their heads?

so to this thought induced dream... in it i have no clear idea if i was pretending or if it was real, but i was, in technical terms, a whacko. a crazy. that sort of person. it felt like a split personality but i couldn't confirm if it was a multiple even. at times i felt i was faking it, but other times it felt so damned real.

everyone's got the propensity to be such.

so i was playing this doctor to release me coz i've been such a good girl and hadn't tried to hurt myself or anyone for that matter, in a really long time. i guess that was the reason i was put in the institution in the first place -- i had either hurt someone or killed someone and proven in court to be criminally insane.

so anyone, this doctor, he's trying to be fair and listens to me but at the same time he has to consult with the higher-ups and my record. but he did let me go out to the courtyard more often than before.

i think.

but i can't remember anymore.

there are dreams that i remember and those that i do not. i even know of a time when i was speaking out loud in my sleep but at the same time i knew i was dreaming.

why can't i remember my dreams properly these days?

oh yeah, i'm a vampire so my bloody body clock is shot to pieces and i am not normal.

alright so i was a tad morbid before. who can blame me when that's how it was, right? so anyway, I was dreading to find the cure-all for that particular malady of mine, but what the heck, I knew I had to try it out some time.

so there I went, and I got somewhat cured.

hehehe

It's Daniel's 14th birthday! Happy Birthday to him!!

anyway...

The cure-all for me? Give me a pic of Daniel Radcliffe and I'll be happy... well, depends on the picture actually, coz there are some that are not that clear... you know, pixellized and all that. I don't want to rely on it too much though coz the effectiveness might lessen if abused.

hmm... before I knew of Daniel, what was my cure-all, i wonder?

*sigh*

boredom + depression = self extermination

sounds just about right?

nah... not right now, not yet. I've been keeping myself busy with sleeping to give too much thought on the matter anyway, so... Yup, I'm a certifiable vampire. I don't go out, I wake up really late, and I'm awake at nights.

All that's left is the blood-sucking part. Eww... I know my own blood's sweet (tasted it already) but what about other people's? Urgh, and AIDS!! Eww...!

Right, think positive thoughts, happy thoughts even... what am I doing?! A bit of pixie dust and I'm off to Never Never Land (which can be a good thing) or with a wave of a wand and I'll be producing a Patronus to ward of Dementors.

Crud.

When's a nice **** when you need one? And I did not write anything!!


Right... hmm... obsession? Nah, too strong a word... Fascination? ... sounds about right... maybe, I think.

erh... still getting used to the new look of the editing page. gods... but i like the blue of it all, seeing as blue is one of my favorite colors.

I am so bloody bored.

Now that reminds me of that part in Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix when Sirius said he was bored and James and he picked on good ole Snivellus to cheer them up. *sigh* Where in the world can I get a bloody Snivellus to pick on? And for that matter, where the hell are the rest of my own Marauders? Wouldn't it be so much more fun if I and my friends were similar to how the Marauders were?

Sheesh, what was I doing when I was fifteen?

Fifteen... third year in high school... trying to get by, getting into some inter-school acad contests, friends... ergh, I didn't have someone to pick on! How come?!

I don't think Jeff could constitute as someone I pick on, considering... But I must admit, I did have some moments when I could have been picking on him. Who else? Hmm... Penguin? Nah, he's my buddy.

Gods, I have a pathetic life.

Okay, so it's not exactly daisies and roses around here. Maybe I'll up that schedule of mine. Argh, getting morbid.

*psychic barrier*

erh... new format... right... good is new...

so...

*sigh* it's been a few days, or weeks, since I last put something in. It's actually quite.... I don't know... refreshing, I guess would be the word for this, since it has been a long time.

THANK YOU SAINT FOR BOOK 5!!!

*grin*

I know, I know. I'll probably go on about Harry Potter or Daniel Radcliffe sometime in the near future, but who the heck cares? I ain't apologizing.

Ever wonder what it'll be like if you can just exist, and not be just a non-entity?

Who cares right?

Who cares if you're a non-entity or not, right?

It can't be that difficult. You see, you hear, you breathe... all is right in the world. Besides, being a non-entity is fun. You get to be invisible and aware of what everyone else is doing without having the responsibility to do your own part.

I'm weird that way.

Better be a non-entity than the alternative.

It's never easy being someone, when you don't know how to be someone as you don't have a point of comparison, since being yourself and being someone are two very different things. So why do people aspire to be someone else when they don't have an inkling of what it entails to be someone else apart from being themselves?

Am I making sense? It's quite late, that's my excuse, and I just saw a part of Brotherhood of the Wolves, in French, so I have no idea what they were babbling about. All I can say is, Marc Dacascos is a real good-looking guy who knows how to kick ass.

Which reminds me, I have to get a copy of From Cradle 2 The Grave.

And it was also bloody... the movie. Quite gruesome for those with queasy stomachs who don't like the sight of blood. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a how-to on proper scalping?

So there I was... and after that, there came The Ninja Scroll, Jubei something or the other. All I know is that it's not the Ninja Scroll that I watched before, but the guy seems to follow the idea of.. immortality?

Anyway, another bloody movie to satisfy my craving for violence.


Argh.

What else has been happening? I am now pleased to announce that I have the "privilege" of using (not owning since non-entities can't own property, just use them) the slowest possible computer I have had used ever since I started to become aware of the computer technology.

And I ain't kidding.