Oh sure, blame me. I'm to blame for everything. Even the ruddy water tank breaking down is my ruddy fault!

I know that it's one of the suggested ways to relieve stress -- write things down or talk to someone -- but everytime that I attempt that, all my thoughts are in a jumble and I can't make sense of them.

What I do know is that I want to be left alone.

That I want my life to be my life and not have someone plan it out for me to live in.

I ruddy well hate that.

So much so that I want to scream.

But of course, I can't scream because that wouldn't be becoming behaviour for someone like me, right?

Right.

Repression is such a lovely word.

One of these days, do not be surprised if you see me with several marks on my arms.

I actually have a plan about that, only part of the plan involves getting out of the house and I don't feel up to facing the mass of people outside. Wouldn't it be wonderful if my contact with the outside world was limited to chatting on the Net with just my friends and no one else?

Here's part of the dream I had last night: I didn't have to deal with any blood kin at all, which was cool, since the only one I had to deal with was my husband. Cool, ne? Thing is, I'm not married.

Heh.


Organizing my thoughts while I am angry is more than I am capable of. Because I am angry, rather, more than angry.

If I don't want to deal with something, isn't it my prerogrative to not deal with it, mainly because it's my bloody life?! My life, my choices, my mistakes, my faults, my LIFE! MINE and no one else's!

Gods, I'm getting worked up again and I've just only recently calmed down.


Hn. People surely must be tired of reading such things -- same things eh? -- over and over again, eh?

Screw you.

Then again, I can not write about... until the next time that I feel cutting myself up into cubes and throwing the whole lot into a big pan of lard.


Calm is good.

What was it that I read in Reader's Digest lately? Something about laughter being the best way to reduce stress?

Yeah, only I have to find some stuff to make me laugh, things that I like, stuff that I want to read about to make me laugh.

That's where Harry Potter fanfiction come in.

I really love the stuff. I have a few favorites and they never fail to lift me up from a mood. Of course, there are some that I read just to take me down when I feel like it -- even shed a few tears here and there...

But that's mine as well, right?

Mine. No one else's.


It's always like after the initial rush of indignation and anger, that it'll always be by default my fault that everything got screwed up, y'know? And it makes sense! If I hadn't been like this, then that wouldn't have happened, and no one would be miserable.

Guilt complex?

Nah. Don't think so. Just got too used to being the one at fault. It always is. Runs with being the youngest, ya think?

I get so mad sometimes that I can see myself just punching something and destroying something, just to let out that... emotion. It's sooo fucking satisfying!

But of course, I can't do that because that wouldn't be proper.

Even cursing is taboo... well, I can get away with bitch and shit, but that's bloody normal. It's fuck that I still can't say.

Damn that Catholic upbringing.


The Passion of the Christ. I saw a "behind the scene" kinda thing about it, in EWTN of all places. Interviews with the director, producer, actors... It was cool, and there were snippets of the film in between interviews.

I wanna see it, of course, because I hear it's quite... brutal. I think Mel Gibson's words on it was. "It's raw."

Cool.

And there's this angel-devil thing movie starring Penelope Cruz? hehehe I wanna see that as well.

Satan in the Passion is played by a female but is voiced by a male. SPOILER? NOT! hehehe Could've been creepy if I wasn't such a sceptic.


Huh.

I'm calming down.

Must be Daniel Radcliffe on the telly.


Oh yeah...

http://pages.prodigy.net/hpdevo/quiz/


Which HP Kid Are You?

Just because...

Anti-Social mood ON

For a long time.

Hopefully, I'll come out of it in time to be sociable at my friend's wedding, which is in December.

Funny, just a few hours ago, I felt like it would be a great idea to just end everything. I mean, how do you go on when you know that you're just an added baggage to the rest of the people around you?

Just last night, I was running my nails (and they're quite long now) across my wrist, across my pulse. I was actually hoping to see blood! hehehe When that failed, I scratched the back of my wrist -- only one nail managed to sink through enough to cause a scratch. It hurt, actually.

hehehe

So what brought this on again?

Feeling as though your life is not your own, that decisions that should really only concern you and should be made by you are being done by other people, that the things that you've been told since you've been little are just coming into fruition as according to other people.

Small things like that.

It's only been now after a few hours of alone time in front of the computer doing stuff that I like doing that I've calmed down. That and screaming out a few lines of a Linkin Park song; I love that band.

Megalomaniac helped as well.

Dang, I had a list last night...

useless, excess baggage, naive, helpless, hopeless, can't do anything for yourself, stupid, idiot, ugly, fat, bad influence, always in need of supervision, pathetic

I have half a mind to email someone to lend me money so I could get away from here.

Wanna know a secret?

I've never been free. It's never been just "me" coz it's always been "us" and it's stifling at times. Escape is always a happy thought, and that's ANY kind of escape. I thought I could have achieved that when I got the job, but I didn't, coz, lo and behold! It's not just me who has the job, but us who has the job.

Wonderful.

Just bloody wonderful.

I could have touched on this topic a number of times already, but don't expect for this to end any time soon.

Why not break free? On my own?

Refer to the list above.

Even if I did, they would always find a way to make me feel that, and thus I fall under their auspices again.

And of course, let's not forget that any and all of my interests automatically become their interests as well. I can't laugh at anything or comment on anything without there being a question: What're you laughing at? delivered in the tone that indicates that they'll probably laugh at it as well.

It's such a bloody wonderful world, ne?

Somebody kill me. Please.

This is one of the other reasons that I love Japanese songs: when I sing along with the songs, no one can sing along with me, coz they don't know the words of the song. Marry me Gackt!! I'll be your nth concubine if you want!

When you let go of the remote control for the television, you bid farewell to what you're watching. Period.

Is it healthy to be concerned about sex?

Maybe it's just that there'd been 2 weddings here at my place, but have you guys ever wondered what it would be like for you? The wedding I mean... Well, okay, we can insert sex talk if you want... hehehe

It's four in the afternoon and I've just gotten out of bed. Lazy ain't I?

Anyway...

I dreamt of James. And I mean the one and only James Xavier Blanco from Illusion. I'm not actually quite sure how I knew for certain that it was James but it really was James, I swear. He was quite a solid mass in my arms when we embraced.

Oh my god, I didn't know how sweet he could be...! He really is a sweet guy ^___^

The one scene that I do remember clearly is that we were in some kind of office, in that we accompanied someone there and he was hooked into giving blood. I don't know if I gave blood but all throughout that entire process, James was lying down on the couch with his head on my lap. We were talking about something and we were laughing about it.

Oh my god, he was the perfectly ideal boyfriend, ever!

Somehow, some way, we were walking along the pathway in my old grade school. I was giving him a tour of the place, pointing out my old classrooms. We were going to the school playground, which was a ways off the main clump of buildings of the school, near which were the classrooms for the 6th grade. We were talking the stairway and some people were using the inclined path, and he asked me about Allan.

This Allan was my grade school classmate Allan, and I think he was asking me why he was using the inclined path and not the stairway, so I replied he was using it to build endurance since he was a scrawny thing then. I dunno, James seemed quite... jealous...?

hehehe

There were lots of hand-holding, hugs, embraces, but there weren't any kisses. Dang, I hated that! No kissing?! I mean, come on! Geez!

It's been a long time.

Yeah, it's a lame opening but it's all I got.

So anyway. I got a job, I quit the job. hehehe That's the short version. In addition to that, I just discovered that I go this nifty little 3cm x 2cm x 2cm nodular goiter at the right side of my throat! ^__^

Talking for 8 hours straight is just not for me. I can go 24 hours without saying more than 24 words altogether, and that's just fine and dandy with me. Of course, that's not counting the grunts and hn's or hmph's and the other nice 'sound' words that usually accompany my vocabulary.

There's going to be two weddings here this weekend, both neighbours and friends of mine, and I'm only invited to one. Funny, ne?

The one that I'm invited to, I'm friends with both the bride and groom. The groom and I grew up together -- considering our houses are right next to each other -- and the bride and I got to be friends over the period of time that she'd come to live with him and their children.

The one I'm not invited to, I used to think I was friends with the bride; don't know the groom. I remember playing with her and her siblings when we were kids, and we went to the same high school together. So alright, we weren't in the same section EVER in the four years of high school, but we did have the same school service, considering her house is right across the street from mine.

So anyway, it's kinda funny, but I've never really paid attention to whatever feud is happening between and among the families here in our little slice of paradise, though it seems to me that there's a feud going on involving us. I have honestly no idea what went down re: that.

What else is new?

I'm taking herbal medicine, all six of them, three times a day after meals with warm water. For that nodular goiter thing? And then there's this infrared therapy thing going on -- you place this gizmo of light against the ouchie and after a period of time it'll go away. Heck, the recommendation came from a cured cancer patient, in that she only had 3 to 5 months to live and the meds of this herbologist cured her properly.

I've gained weight. I'm thinking of getting this herbal medicine as well that's designed for weight loss. Of course, I have to pair that up with a game of volleyball against the wall when I can, seeing as I don't have anyone to play badminton with here. Hmm... wonder if there's a club I could go to...

Argh. Then there's this diet... well, it's not exactly a diet but more of a list of things that I can't have: coffee, cabbage, eggplant, cold drinks, sour food, soft drinks, fat (pork, beef, chicken), salty food, food with preservatives, fried and oily food, food with coconut cream, salt water fish (I think), innards, legumes, rootcrops, shrimp, squid, crab. What else can I have?