every heart

just coz i'm listening to BoA's song right now.

and i thini have too many things i want to say that i can't make a coherent thought right now... then again, it could be that i'm way too irritated as well.

back-stabbing with a side of revenge please

I thought he was a friend, a colleague. I guess he's still a colleague, but I don't think he can be a real friend now, after what he's done.

It's really kinda petty, if you think about it.

It all started when word got to him that we know of this thing he has with someone. What of it, aye? Were we not supposed to see when it's right out there in front of our eyes? Were we not supposed to notice? Merde...

Then he goes ahead and hits us from behind, to the effect that we're not really doing the best the could do with what we're supposed to do coz we're doing something else.

Do I really have to be this vague, you ask? Yes, coz for all I know he and they read my blog. Let's just say that I'm outing my feelings here coz I can't, not really, in RL.

I don't like him. I don't like his attitude at all.

I feel like I have to watch whatever it is I do around him in case he reports me or something. Bleeding buggering hell... If that's the kind of friend he is, I don't care to know him at all now.

merde

I have no idea why, but I was and still am feeling out-of-sorts today. It could be because I lost my internet connection yesterday and I spent a couple or so hours doing nothing. Or it coul be because I just went out of my way to have someone angry at me, nice person that I am and not so nice person that she is. Or it could be because I just received another confirmation about my character, which I really should be used to, considering.

I don't know.

I don't feel happy.

I mean, I've never really been happy happy, but other times, I have been glad that I'm doing what I'm doing, that I'm bleeding breathing and still alive, that I have friends I can talk and relate with.

Not quite sure, but maybe, what I'm feeling is... loneliness? emptyness? dissatisfaction? frustration?

Isn't It Any Wonder?

Yesterday, I got sick in the office. No, I didn't throw up though I was tempted to just to ease that really bad feeling but I didn't. It was just a headache and a fever, no biggie, which was taken care of, brilliantly, by 2 paracetamol tablets ^__^

Yesterday, when I was on the bus, a man suffered an attack of some sort. He just slumped onto the woman next to him and she was the one who told everyone within hearing distance that the man had an attack. He was having difficulty breathing and some spittle was sliding down his mouth. The driver and the conductor told the traffic aide who then proceeded to call a cab and some guys carried him out to the cab with his things. Presumably, the cab driver was told that his passenger was having an attack of some sort and that he should take him to the hospital. Presumably. Ot I'm just being a cynic again.

Yesterday, I slept while angry. What else is new?

Yesterday, himself and I talked some for a while as I waited for the time so I could go. It was just chatting about some stuff that we both had an interest in, namely anime and figurines and mecha models.

Yesterday, I wanted to kill someone.

Yesterday, I had to live.

Don't you dare give me an ultimatum

Pretty heavy stuff huh?

Let's get the setting out of the way so you'll understand the context. I am currently at home, in front of my own computer (which is kinda debatable since my laptop is my computer not this PC desktop at home), listening to some online music, and yes, it is pretty late at night. I'm actually just waiting for the time (like some sunlight please) so I could start on my laundry.

I do know how to wash clothes, you know, as long as there's a washing machine since it makes my life a heck of a lot easier. I also can handwash but why bother when the washing machine is so conveniently there?

I really should have gone home a lot earlier, but I just bought the Inuyasha movie 3 cd and I watched it last night. Go Sesshoumaru! He's still... himself. A proud dog-demon who searches for himself and his purpose, even though I doubt he'll agree to that assessment (Fluffy, put the Toukijin down please. It's not polite to threaten people with that really sharp dangerous object.)

I slept late, I woke up late, and I so don't like being woken up with the one after another text tones. Yeesh, give me a break, wilyah? Really have to give serious thought to what Omar says he does during his days off, which is to turn off his cell phone. That way, I won't wake up aggravated. Then again, I've never really (haven't I?) turned my phone off for a period of time, unless I happen to have run out of battery and there's no charger in sight.

So I look at my messages and darn it, it's from my BIL "how are you" and "we haven't heard anything from you in a long time" and "we still think of you". I mean, eurgh! Not this early! And not even that, please, especially the last one. Eurgh!

Here's the thing: His wife, my sister (duh) was the one who gave me an ultimatum, which I think her husband heavily influenced. It went along the lines of, "You stop interacting with your other sister (who happens to be one of the banes of my life at times, but what can you do when it's family eh?) OR I won't support you anymore/give you money anymore and I won't pay for your condo."

Erh, hello... already working...? with a paycheck every 15 days...? I'm the one paying for the condo...?

The nerve!

She gave the ultimatum to me through Chikka when she was texting me when I was recovering from my surgery and I was, I think, about to return to work the next week. Needless to say, I was infuriated, not to mention irritated and angry and mad and just effing insulted. So what the bloody hell if he paid for my 6-month training at MTC? He wants me to bloody worship him and say "aye" to every single bloody thing he "suggests"? What am I? His pet poodle?

Nuh-uh, no way.

So what if this sister of mine irritates the life out of me at times when she's being so bloody annoying and clingy and just plain too involved in my life to the point of wanting to be me in my life? She's blood, she's family. He's not blood, he's family by marriage, and we all know how temporary those things are in the States, what with the divorce rates and all. It's like nothing's sacred anymore.

Speaking of which, oh gods, I can't believe Richie Sambora left Heather Locklear for Denise Richards! I know I'm late with the news (can't help it if I only pay half the attention I should on such matters) but I just a pic of Denise Richards and Richie Sambora together, and I was like, oh my gods, no!

Enough about that. Just had to get that out *sniff*

-o-o-o-

Job Fair

Our company had a job fair last week -- can't believe I almost forgot about that! -- and I was the one who was asked to go to the meeting. Hah, actually Marco was the one who said he'd go but he said he might be going somewhere at the same time the meeting was supposed to be so he asked me to go, which I was more than happy to do ^___^ For one thing, himself was there and it was experience ^__^

Meeting, meeting, meeting, and I didn't get to finish the meeting coz Glenn said he was taking the whole team out to lunch and they were going to leave me behind, the blighters. In hindsight, I shouldn't have worried coz he was probably going to be asked to lunch as well and they couldn't really leave me behind since I was in the meeting with him.

Then the whole team when to lunch and thank the gods for friends like Michelle who managed to get us seats with me next to him.

Note to self (and feifu): Need codename. Can't really keep calling him him, eh? Kinda reminds me of that pink Him in the PPG... argh, bad mental image.

So. Lunch. Since Glenn was our visitor and he was American (erh) we had to spend the whole time conversing in English since we had to include him in our conversation so he wouldn't feel so left out.

Talk, talk, talk ^___^

Let's skip over to the job fair itself. It was a 2-day affair so of course I was present the whole two days. As he was ^__^

Aside from the whole purpose of the job fair, which is to get manpower for the company, which meant I had to give exams and interview a lot of prospective colleagues and assist the other people involved in the job fair in any way that I can, I saw those two days as a chance to spend time with him in a nonwork-type of setting, although it was technically really work we were doing.

Nevertheless, it was a chance, and I took it gladly. Mostly, we just hung out during the first few hours of the first day -- it was a slow morning, but it picked up around 10 -- and we watched this short film about call centers online. We didn't have speakers and he let me have the headset so I could follow along -- he's probably seen it a lot of times already.

We had breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, along with the rest of the people involved in the job fair. I also rode with him when it was time to go. Granted, someone else was with us in the car, but it was the idea that counted, right?

Gah, I am so inexperienced with this, and this feels kinda highschoolish. Foolish.

-o-o-o-

I am watching a lot of Ayumi Hamasaki videos online now. I find her music fun and a wake-me-upper, barring Dearest which has a slow tempo, but I like it since I could sing along to it. I think I'm improving, voice-wise, post thyroid surgery and all. Not that I lost my voice at all, but I find that I couldn't reach the high notes as well as I did before my surgery, that's all.

-o-o-o-

I think he's quite dense if he doesn't already know. Either that or he just doesn't want to know. Or the people who do know haven't told him or insinuated anything about it at all. If it's the latter case, kudos to them! I don't really want to think about the two other options.

Heck, I've got a right to my illusions, even if they are just a step away from being delusions.

-o-o-o-