Such is the way with my life that everything is my fault and that I am always the bad guy.

Fun, fun, fun.

Damn, and I almost got to go head to head with my stubborn older brother with regards to his busybody wife. That would have been so much fun. I think he'd have gone physical, so what? Smack me around, I'll not stop you, I'll even goad you.

Come on, try and kill me. I don't mind.

Don't you just hate confrontations?

The point... my life, my decisions - right or wrong - still mine, my death if it comes to that. What the bloody hell do they care? So fucking what if they're blood-kin?

I want to be left alone, is that such a fucking bloody concept to understand?!

Leaving me alone means minding their own fucking business and not mine.

Difficult to understand, I know...

So the mother-fucker sister from fucking hell was on the phone with my busybody sister-in-law, and she said to disregard my text message to her and treat my like the child that I was behaving.

Cool, she treats me as a child, I'll treat her as the rumor-monger that she is. To hell if she runs to her big strong husband, who happens to be my more than stubborn brother who's not afraid to get physical, and cries her eyes out saying that I've been abusing her.

Abusing her, hell, she hasn't just seen abuse, she's heaped it on other people.

Bloody fucking hell.

Hey, this works into calming me down, if a bit tiring than scratching myself... Now, cutting... argh, I can't believe I haven't tried that yet. It's supposed to release endorphins when you cut so you can just try to forget the bad and just feel the good. Something about the blood seeping through the wound being the bad stuff that happens so when it flows out of your body, all the bad stuff goes away as well.

I haven't tried yet, but maybe I will in the near future. When I'm not going to be too tempted to push the blade too far in.


"When I bloody well want you to talk about me, I'll tell you what to say and whom to say it to."

A bit extreme to text to her?

Hey, I was PISSED OFF!

And what does she do? She goes and texts the mother-fucker to ask me what I meant. I'm like, what, you don't have the guts to ask me? Am I that scary?

That's a compliment to me.

Long time...

hehehe Here's a dream I had last night.

The setting in and of itself told me that some things have already happened before that which when I became conscious that I was experiencing the dream, so we start from there.

I was with some people and we were walking along a road, and there was a bridge somewhere which we crossed, then we veered to the left towards a hut. A group was there, and the leader was filling a big woven basket with some dark loamy soil of some sort... At least I think it was some sort of soil - all I know was that it was dark. Then he placed a handful of yellow sand on top of it, sprinkled it really, on the top. The one if my companions, I think the leader of our group, asked if they had water. Now all I remember about the area really was that there was yellow sand on the ground, and the hut was actually just a platform made out of bamboo with a thatch roof above it.

Their leader held up a large bottle of mineral water, and said it was all they had, then he poured it inside the woven basket with the soil and sand. I was most surprised.

Then the next thing I knew, I was in an airbase, in the control tower, watching this guy - a Captain, I think was his rank - march about in the tarmac with some soldiers, doing formations and such. Guess who was with me in the tower? Harm, Catherine, and Bud from the TV show JAG... cool, ne?

Anyway, Catherine was going on about how it was obvious that the Captain was deranged but he himself didn't know he was deranged, so she and Harm were going down to talk to him. She told me and Bud to stay up in the tower, and so we did. A few minutes later, they came back up and Catherine was muttering to herself, "He sits on the bleeding meteor after his whole battalion is wiped out and he doesn't think anything is wrong?"

For some reason or the other, Harm and Bud leave the two of us, and I found that we've changed locations once again, and this time Catherine and I are inside a school bus. Those big yellow monsters type of school buses... yeah, that kind, and we were at the rear. It was just the two of us, no driver and no other passengers, and we were just waiting.

Suddenly I get this really bad feeling in the air, so I close the rear door, which starts the bus moving. This should have been surprising but my only reaction was to ask Catherine if she could drive the bus. She said not to worry coz the bus is in auto-pilot and would stop when it looked like it would crash onto something.

It turned out to be quite true, since a few feet away from the bus and the narrow strip of dirt road we were on - which incidentally I recognized as being a dirt road somewhere along my subdivision - was a parked jeep. The bus stopped and we went to the front and Catherine handled the wheel.

When I turned around I was walking around a street with Fe and Richard (Chad). I have no idea what we were doing, but we were walking along some side streets. It seemed as if we were on a mission or something. I know the three of us talked, and at one point I even drew out a pack of pictures to show them.

One of the pictures really caught my attention. It was of me in one of my large black shirts and I had long, somewhat curly hair and there were a lot of blonde streaks in it. I was tanned and I was carrying a little boy of about three or four years old, even when I was pregnant. And beside me with his arms around me and the child, was James.

...

There was another picture, and all three of us were in a car, leaving the house, and we looked like we were going for a day on the beach.

Somehow or the other, Fe was asking me to call James because she was tired of walking, and there was a street we had to go on that was uphill. Even Chad looked beat, but I was really exhausted. So I called but when all I got was a continuous ring, I just knew that he was on his way for us. We were halfway up the uphill climb when he arrives, driving a white car. He stops and Fe and Chad just collapse in the backseat, while I went to the front. He had a large red backpack on the seat, so I placed the bag on my lap. James just grinned and asked if we were ready to go home.

Of course we were!

So he drives up and he turned to me asking if I knew where he could turn the car, since I was from the area and all. I pointed towards the corner a house up from my house and said he could turn there, or he could just use my cousin's driveway or my house's driveway, if he wanted to. James turned the car around, and I asked him if he knew the way back to Manila through Tagaytay, and he replied he did. I was about to suggest that we take that route when I suddenly realized that since we were really in front of my house while we were talking that I could be let out there. After all, what use would it be if I went to Manila with them when I lived here, right?

I don't know if I got out of the car or not because that was when I woke up.

Before I fell asleep that night actually, I was thinking that it would be a novel way if my last will and testament would not be on a piece of paper but a recording of some sort. Not that I have a lot of things to leave other people, but I was just thinking... I was even thinking of leaving it in my will that my wake would be a party since there'd really be no body to park in the living room coz I'd be cremated and all that, so it'll be just a jar with my ashes and some bones.

Wouldn't it have been great if during the funeral procession on the way to church that there'd be a carnival sort of parade with costumes and loud music? I don't even want a funeral car; get my ashes onto one of those floats or something. Oh, and it'd be a clause in the will that if my funeral didn't go according to my wishes, that I'd haunt the lot of you until the day you guys hold a party for me.

I'm really quite easy to appease, aren't I?

But wasn't that dream just cooky? I know what really interested me was that picture. There I was in one of my large black shirts, with almost totally blonde and curly hair, and I'm still wearing my glasses, with a three-year-old on my hip, and I'm pregnant. And James was there, of course, but crikey... Most if not all of my high school classmates are married with kids or if not, in relationships that seem to lead towards that, or just plain in a relationship. I really shouldn't ask myself why I'm in none of those categories, because I know why: I prefer my own company, I don't go out, I think most guys are intimidated by me (why they are I have no idea), and there are just plain no interesting men here.