oh gods... yup, middle of the night, one light on... right... and the people belting out karaoke/videoke outside is not creeping me out with their out of tune singing. Personally, I think they're already drunk. Why they are, I have no idea. Must be that festive feeling they have *apathetic shrug*

What's new... hmm... aside from being into Meteor Garden? Nothing really... Did I mention before that my niece's more into it than I am? Yup, she is, and completely gaga over Dao Ming Si or Ah Si as she's fond of calling him. She really, really cried when we were up in Baguio and we still didn't have a place to stay in with a television and it was nearing Meteor Garden's timeslot. Kids... I haven't been watching it right from the off so I don't really care that much.

I like Hua Zhe Lei's character better -- the cool, quiet type -- it helps that he has a nice smile, though nice probably isn't the best word for it... *shrug*

Argh.

Nothing much is going on... Peace and Quiet after the Storm... Now why the hell did I just write that in capital letters?!

There really was this storm, big bad one. No power and water for 3 days!! I hate that!!

Oh yeah, compy's all good now, though I can't bloody put up a wall paper and change the icons...!! Repressive!!

Note to self: put up a wallpaper and change the icons; it's not like they can do anything about it as I can always just put them up continuously if they take them down.

Either that or get into downloading... hehehe

Okay, I'm getting depressed again... Been just reading some emails. Damn.

Alright, I'm back!!

heheh not that I've been away for that long, just a weekend stint to Baguio to witness my nephew's Incorporation into the Regular Corps of the PMA. That made sense, right? Anyway, it basically means that my nephew got accepted into the regular classes, as it were, in the PMA after a summer of training and what-not.

The drill was amazingly synchronized, never mind that when we watched the practice the day before, there were a couple of mistakes. But it was alright, all the cadets looked alike, or similarly alike, what with their almost bald heads and ramrod stiff stance, even the female cadets were like that.

The trip was bloody tiring, that's for sure. We travelled for over 12 hours, I think, counting the fact that we had to stop for an hour or less to pick up the others who were coming with us, and the lunch break over at Luisita. If being a passenger in that trip has made me tired, I don't want to think of what it'll be if I get to drive that distance.

I suppose it was a tad emotional, after all, he hadn't been home for the past two months and this is the first time he has seen his family since then. That and the fact that they can't really go home for any kind of break in their first year. Maybe it'll change as he progresses into the system, but I don't know. I got the feeling that as he was talking to us about life as a PMAer, he was trying to convince us and him as well that this was a great thing.

Maybe it was just a case of nerves and homesickness, after all, the next day will be his first real day as part of the Academy. As with any other institution, there are after all, rumors and legends about certain peers, teachers, and what-not. Who's the terror? Who's the bully? That kind of thing. I think he's experiencing the full brunt of it all when he was with us for that six hours.

It's like going to boarding school -- which actually it is -- and I think he's going to miss all of us something terrible. But what can I do? It's his choice, his dream to go to the Academy.

But enough about that. I have some other news I want to share.

The computer... this soddy bloody computer... got reformatted. Thank the gods I managed to save as much of my files as I could.

Oh shit, I just did something really stupid! Bloody fast mouse reactions of mine...

Anyway, the computer just got reformatted and I'm outfitting it with some necessary programs.

Damn.

I'm not that too depressed to face the computer again, like before. I even had a "vision" right before I woke up this morning, that I was going to sit in front of the computer and go on the Internet, just like I'm doing right now.

Bloody hell, stupid me, it was just starting to download properly!! And I had to click Cancel. Damn, but that wasn't Close!!

Argh! Stupid!!

So back to me... after all, this is all about me, right?

Eeww, stop me if I'm starting to sound like Lockhart.

I just received an email from Sandy, and I must say, she's right. Not that I didn't have those thoughts at the back of my mind since then, but it's nice hearing it from someone else... well, reading it is more like it.

Argh, back to zero, damn.

So what else is up?

Wen's in the country.

I think Wendy is too, or she should be since she said her flight was slated for the 20th.

I'm supposed to be making plans to hang out with them, separately, of course, since they're different groups of friends...

Then there's the trip to Feifu's...

Exciting life, ain't it?

*sigh*

I am soooo doomed...!

*sigh*

Why the hell can't I get a bloody normal working computer? Why indeed did I have to inherit this stone age craftmanship of dubious design?

Alright, alright, insulting my current computer isn't going to help, I KNOW!! But I can't help it!! They're planning on reformatting the whole drive and I can't bloody think of where I'm going to put my mp3 collection!

Petty? Trivial? I dare you to say it in person.

As of last count I have 409 mp3 files, and I don't want to part with any of them. Yes, even those (creepy) instrumentals since instrumentals often help me get into the groove for writing. Funny though, coz most rock music get me to sleep rather than instrumentals.

But I'm not about to rant *talk* about that.

Damn, this is depressing. I have more than 2GB -- those are ALL my files in zipped form -- and I don't know where to put them. If I can only just get a CD writer... it'll definitely make life easier. I'll just burn a CD with my files, and boom! I'm set!

WHO HAS A CD WRITER?! PREFERABLY SOMEONE WILLING TO LEND IT TO ME?! HELP!!


Oist, Sandy!!

Argh!! I am so bloody frustrated with my life!! ARGH!! Can I go on that cruise with you? Nah, scratch that, that was just idiotic me talking.


Wen still hasn't texted or called me of when we can get to hang out. Damn, but I wish she would soon.


Oh yeah, I feel like I'm committing slow suicide these days. It's nice to sleep...


And then again, I can't go to that scheduled trip to Feifu's because of a very important event. North, here I come!! hehehe I can't wait to get up there again; it's been ages!!


I got a semi-weird email the other day. Some person... don't know from the name if it's a guy or a girl... well, this person emailed me, complementing me about one of my stories. That in itself was weird. I'm like, whoa, thanks... Kinda weird. Writer's block still in active session, thank you very much.


Then there was this instance one night, or was it early morning? I can't tell. Semi-vampire or not, I can't distinguish between times much. Anyway, someone called on the phone. Wait, start from the beginning. I was minding my own business on the Net, and the phone rings, so I grab the wireless and answer. Only there wasn't anyone on the other line. Or maybe there was but he/she wasn't bloody speaking. I didn't even hear heavy breathing, as most prank callers do that. Trust me, I've got my share of prank callers, damn kids. So I wasked and waited for a response but as none was forthcoming, I hung up.

It happened again.

If I wasn't so engrossed in what I was doing, I'd probably have been creeped out. Bugger.

Then it happened again, but this time at a more reasonable hour, and my sister answered the phone.

Wonder if it was the same person calling? Maybe an overseas call? But our usual callers usually spoke up.

Oh well, not to mention that I have a brand new stalker on my cell! ...Well, not exactly a stalker per se, just someone wanting a textmate if you will. What got me irritated was that he/she called -- albeit in the middle of the morning -- but I was bloody asleep! And I don't particularly appreciate it when I get woken up especially when I'm having a bloody peaceful slumber!

Where to start?

Alright, so there was a major scare in the house some days ago... My brother collapsed after drinking some water. I know, it sounds crazy but that's what he did. As there were only us (i.e. me and my sisters, and him of course) it was like "What the hell are we going to do?!" for a minute.

I thought I was the calm one, as I'd gone through the whole same experience before, in high school. It was also at the dinner table, and I drank some water and I collapsed. Freaky water? Nah, no chance. It was the circumstances before that that should be examined.

As it was, I was tired that day, and I kinda remember that I was having trouble breathing as well. I'm not too sure though coz my remembrance of that particular day is quite hazy. They said I turned blue, from lack of oxygen, and my father had to hit me on the back real hard to get me to breathe again.

Which wasn't what happened to my brother. He went kinda pale and shouted something.

Now, I wasn't at he forefront of this particular debacle as I had more immediate concerns : the return of the flying insects. Yup, they attacked once again, and this time, they used the room I'm sleeping in as their headquarters.

Now that was creepy.

I left the waking up of my brother chore to my other sister, the middle one, the calm one, as our other sister, the eldest one, the panicky one, was indeed panicking.

I was the one calling the next house to call an ambulance or something, and she went and grabbed the other phone and called the same house. Was that stupid or something?

Anyway, she revived him, I got creeped out because of the bugs, and all went well, I think.

hehehe evil me... Now he has to go and get a complete physical exam to check if that 2 minute unconsciousness trick of his has affected anything.

Me, I didn't go to a doctor that time. I did go for another thing -- my bloody Arrhythmia, but that was another time and another place.


Argh, I hate cutting up my chapters! It's so damned tiring! All the words are swirling about in front of my eyes and I just have to stop at chapter 40. Damn, and that thing started out with just 5 chapters!


So what else... I just passed up the chance to attend a Battle of the Bands wherein my neighbor/childhood playmate and his band is joining. The last time I went to one, they were also competing, but the event was so unorganized we had to wait a long while to actually hear them play. And there weren't even seats to accomodate the audience; it was just plop down wherever you want in the sand. Did I mention that it was at a beach nearing midnight? I know we got back early morning the next day, and we didn't even wait for the judges' decision on who won. It was quite obvious anyway, there was this one band that they said was really good and they'd been competing with in a number of Battles.

Have no idea.

Anyway, so my goddaughter isn't crying anymore at the sight of me. Maybe because she can actually see me these past few days. I don't actually go out of the house to a gimmick or anything, just stepping out of the house to breathe in some fresh air in the afternoon.

Did I mention anything about my enforced insomnia? It's wreaking havoc in my system *super wide grin* Who knows, maybe this'll make me anemic! Even... is sleep deprivation a cause for diabetes? I don't know, but my other brother has mild diabetes so I guess I have a slight chance of contracting that.

Oh yeah, heart problems, and I mean the medical ones. I have plenty of those anyway, no need to worry. Wonder how it is to actually have a heart attack...? Pain in the left side, tingling sensation going up the left arm... that sort of things. Goodness knows I've watched Discovery Channel enough to know about it some.

So, sleep deprivation... I've been having ideas for several of the stories that I'm writing but I can't put them to paper coz they hit me just when I'm about to fall asleep in the morning. But they're good, once I remember them that is.


Ambition in life... none. To be as useless as possible ^__^


I miss conversations, the actual live ones with real live people. I can't believe I actually thought that. But I'm not that much of a conversationalist, I'm more of the listening type. I like hearing people talk. But then again, I can be as noisy as the next person is when the mood strikes me.

Ain't it fun?

ei, been a long time since i last visited... so what's up with my life?

^__^ i just got the greatest surprise ever...!

my best friend from grade school came over to my house this afternoon. i admit i wasn't in the best possible way to greet visitors as i was sort of cleaning up the mess that is the room that i'm staying in. oh, dear that's another debacle that i would have to think about but that's not for right now.

the thing is, i was expecting her sometime around end of may or early june, but then there she was standing in front of my house. she got some guy who happened to be a cousin of mine (surprise, since i still have no idea who the heck he was) drive her and her cousin to the house. she said she'd just arrived some days ago and thought it would be nice if she came over.

the funny thing was, i know i was supposed to be surprised and majorly, freaking-out, pleased to see her -- and i am pleased that she is here, don't get me wrong, we haven't seen each other since 2nd grade! -- but i was like, all cool, and "when did you arrive?" that sort of thing, like it wasn't that much of a big thing that she's really here.

after all, we've only been planning her visit since, some years ago, i think. it's been that long.

i think there's always the "i'm still in major shock" excuse to fall back on.

i don't know, i always thought it would be a lot... more, than what it was when we did finally see each other again.

but i got her good this time around; i remember in 2nd grade, we were like just about the same height, but i discovered today, rather, yesterday, that i was in fact taller than her now. it doesn't actually show in the pic she sent me before as there was no point of reference for me to compare heights. i always thought she'd be a lot taller.


so anyway, i just had another bad shock a couple of days ago (which i can always use as an additional excuse for the rather lukewarm greeting for my best friend). some of my things -- papers from college, readings, notes, that sort of thing -- got kinda destroyed. i won't go into details but the latter part of the destruction was on my shoulders as i set fire to some of them. which was actually a good thing as it lessened the stuff i have to pack away.

i discovered that i have quite a collection of stuff, stickers mostly. but i know compared to other people's collection, mine'd probably be just trash or something along those lines.


so about the room... yay! i'm planning to vacate that room to stop the bloody snide comments about how she'd really like to be able to sleep in her own room. i'm like, sure, knock yourself out.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i have enforced insomnia. i stay awake at night, ostensibly to go online, which i do when i have a card, and let her have the room. it ain't a complete vacating process as i use the room most of the daylight hours. i sleep in the morning, get my things organized, sometimes write, all in that room. i don't really relish going out of my room to the living room as that's where she's parked most of the day.

you know who she is... my bloody sister.

now, i've been offered to move into the other room with my other sister. could be cool, but i'm not that used to having any of my blood-kin with me in the room... if you get my drift. i can deal with having a roommate, just not any of my blood-kin. ergh, no thanks.

but i am planning on moving my things...

kinda funny, as there's only three bedrooms in my house and there are four of us.


Wen said she'd text or call me when we could go out and catch up on old times. i can't wait to hear about her numerous exploits while abroad ^__^ i may be even able to glean some things for Illusion. who knows?

Nonsense Ruminations in Poetry Form #3
~ana barton~


you're cruel, absolutely sadistic
throwing me around the house
loving me so recklessly i bleed
beating me til i'm more than black and blue
kissing me so i can't breathe

where'd the gentleness go?
letters, flowers, tokens of love
wonderful moments beneath the moon
laughter and happiness
you let me go over the precipice

i fell over, broken and shattered
you glued the pieces together
you made me whole and new
kept me warm and safe
yours to do with as you pleased

when will this end?
when will you go?
when can i leave?
trapped inside my own body
i cannot help but cry




Nonsense Ruminations in Poetry Form #1
~ana barton~

Darkness, everywhere I look
Up and down, side to side
Black, unscrutable black
The ballad of light
Never more in my mind
I see none
No one will hear me
No one will see me
Nothing could be
Nothing is
Nothing will be

I am what you see
But you are blinded
Light, everything so bright
Can you hear me?
Will you see me?

Blood on my hands
Dripping on the floor
Wipe it off, I can not see
Blot it out, I can not breathe
Cover up

Let me be as I am now
Not when and where
I used to be then and there

My mind is blank, nothing registers
Thirty minutes on and I pass out
Living is a dumb way of dying
Existing to survive
Lie to me and see the truth
I detect no one
I sense everyone
Awaiting my demise

Deliver me from my sins
Trespasses I made in your name
You are nameless still
No one worships you
They all get down on their knees
Coz they ain't got nothing else
Blinders serves them right
They can not see me
And I delight in my dark
I am by myself
No one can see me
No one can hear me
No one can hurt me

Why is there such a large market for books, movies, all the good things? Heck, for that matter, why in hell am I so addicted to fanfictions? Some authors write stories that are so damned good and believable that they could be made into real books and movies!

It's escapism at its best.

Real life sucks, get a book or go to a movie or browse the fanfic sites.

Simple.

These -- books, movies, stories -- take you away to another world where you're not bothered by everyday concerns. You get to be a spectator in something that is different from your life. You watch things happen to people/characters who have gotten quite close to you. You enjoy their triumphs, you grieve in their despair.

That's different from living your life the way that you do.

For my part, I'd rather lose myself in a well-writen storyline. There could be some angsty moments, but the characters get through it and continue on to the next phase of their lives. Real life angst hits a little closer to home, and you can't get a thirs person perspective of it when its happening to you.

Life can be so petty and boring.

Let's end it, shall we?



Nonsense Ruminations in Poetry Form #2
~ana barton~

emptiness, fear, whitened fists
anxious breathing, afire
changing receptacles, gyrating hips
power unresolved, wasted on ire

hatred in one's heart
indifference in another
non-committal promise made
nothing said, everything understood

irony everywhere i look
and i see nothingness
lifeless corpses floating in salt water
grinning skulls made up as stars

fleeting happiness flee before the sun
brightened gray skies foretelling rain
lightning exclaims then thunder retorts
an argument for the gods to decide

rejoice for i am god
and god is none
for all eternity
amen